Over The Brooklyn Bridge
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: An eighteen-chapter story though it's just some bits that Karen picked up carefully; this is a Will, Karen and their children fic. This story is for Claudia. I hope you will love it, honey. And a big thank you to Miss H. for the corrections she worked on.
1. Prologue

_**Prologue.**_

Every single story has its beginning and its end; a whole series of events that leads the protagonists to make choices and try to understand the meaning of their presence in this world, facing the impressive amount of feelings that all those moments bring to them through a natural succession of coldness and heat.

We never cease to take decisions, all along our lives. Some of them seem to carry on the weight of importance and responsibility while others, like in a subcategory, are only there to produce the slight difference that we all need to feel unique. The fusion we get then is a subtle aroma that embraces our hearts and rocks our craziest dreams.

We can't help but love it.

My story begins with the soft contact of his fingers sliding along the palm of my hand as we were crossing The Brooklyn Bridge. It was a warm touch of a skin against another one; a detail that could have passed unnoticed unless you were one of the two concerned protagonists. He caressed my wrist and slowly, very slowly, his hand ended up holding mine under the snow of New York. The ice was falling on our fingers before melting and vanishing somewhere in this odd reality I could barely recognize. Something was changing. All of a sudden he had decided to make a step forward and dare, whatever could happen next.

The unexpected gesture had set off the complicated machine of my heart and I just stopped walking, half-way between the fear it was only a fantasy and the dreadful idea it was real. I turned my head and looked at him, hiding with difficulty the fact I was shaking. I guess some cars were still passing behind us but to be honest a veil of silence wrapped him and I when we both leaned over and shared our first kiss.

A second is enough to make a whole life tip over and this is when it happened to me. I hadn't planned anything, barely imagined that we would come to this point but as he was tightening his grip on my waist the logic of my existence took a sudden shade of bright well-being and so I realized that I was born to fall in love with Will.

What could appear as obstacles then is only a matter of honest confessions we need to complete in order to settle down all the rest and when you're not alone the acts are fluid, natural. The certitude of our feelings guided us very soon to let the masks fall down and assume what we were. The surprise suspended the nets of time but Jack and Grace never protested; perhaps it's just impossible to fight against something that is meant to exist. I got a divorce from Stanley and a whole new life began for us.

My story is made of eighteen chapters though when I look at Will I know we're still far from the closure. There's not a lot to say because it's all about feelings and how my love for him seems to be unable to fade but on this very special day, I give you my pencil and let you fill your own pages. I've been in charge of the first ones and I keep on hoping my work didn't ruin your life. I learned so many things thanks to you that it cost me serious troubles to only pick up some bits supposed to symbolize the uniqueness of our existences from the moment I took you in my arms to this exact evening when I let you go away and I won't burst into tears before your plane takes off and I stay here with Will.

Perhaps sometimes your anger has been such that you had wished you weren't ours but don't forget the precious times we spent together and all those pieces that built our entity. I belong to you as you belong to me and even though today you're old enough for your own responsibilities and decisions, keep some room for Will and I in the brightness and the success of your life or you will hear from me you little selfish thing. The day will come when you understand what I'm feeling right now though take your time please because I'm not at all prepared for that. I didn't realize until this morning how the years have past so fast and the bitterness of my smiles are only caused by the emotion invading my heart so don't cry, don't feel sad if you see some tears run on my face and take it as your mother's stupid pride.

Now go ahead and engrave your print in those empty pages. This is your life, not mine. Though if you happen to feel down one day and a veil of nostalgia lands slowly over your soul then you're allowed to look backwards and this is exactly why I put down on this notebook different chapters about the whole of us. There is a memory per smile but definitely not enough room for my love to you.

Please don't forget Will and I; we are a base altogether and we just don't make sense when we let some events affect our family. Besides I love you too much for that, honey.

Karen, your mum-who-won't-burst-into-tears.


	2. A few words about you and me

_**The beginning.**_

I rushed into the flat, pushed Grace aside who was in my way and threw myself in his arms, laughing hysterically. I held him tight and bit my lower lip, frowning under the tears that were beginning to well up in my eyes. My conscious was substituting little by little the overexcitement of the first minutes like when reality slowly appears in the middle of your dreams and everything gets mixed. I could feel his smile against my cheek; he didn't know what was happening but my happiness was enough to let him understand that I was fine, so fine. I finally broke the embrace and looked at him.

"I'm pregnant, Will."

Grace's gasp pierced the silence that such a confession had suddenly imposed but I didn't move and kept on staring at him. I saw how his eyes were reflecting his soul; how subconsciously a protective instinct made him freeze and his heart slow down. His brain was scanning the news, putting in various and distinctive categories his emotions and the neutrality of our existence. But very slowly the information reached his heart and a bright smile appeared on his lips. He shook his head in disbelief before his arms tightened their grip over my waist and made me twirl around all of a sudden.

Grace was hyperventilating; Jack was jumping hysterically.

I never had any doubt about Will and I. Since the day we kissed on The Brooklyn Bridge, the logic of my heart seemed to have settled down my self-confidence and my trust in him. Our story would only be a series of events led by some natural inclination to succeed. My features softened; I managed to ease the pain of a blurry past that was still burning high and I let my dreadful feelings take me away into the uniqueness of our existence. I learned a lot about myself during this pregnancy. It plunged into the depths of my mind and brought back to the surface unexpected memories. Some of them were beautiful; others were just harsh. Though both had taken part into the construction of my identity and I couldn't ignore them just because they could hurt or mean disconcerting thoughts, anxious sensations of some failure and disappointment.

I wonder if the behaviour I adopted by then can explain our current relation. People usually say that everything is determined long before the birth and whatever can happen, we have no hold over the connection between a mother and her children. There will always be some mysterious attraction. During the first months of my pregnancy I spent a lot of time thinking about you. I generally used to accompany my thoughts with the brush of my fingertips over my stomach. I still had some difficulties to face the fact there was a life growing inside of me because the only evidence I had of it was a blue strip on a test and an unreadable black and white picture supposed to show me you were here. I was very tired but extremely happy and it's when I started speaking to you, in silence; the words going from my brain until your heart, passing through my blood, bringing the cells of my own body that would end up feeding you. From the couch or the bed I witnessed the scenes of our continuous life; Grace's stories, Jack's whims; though something tended to make me feel I was apart in my own world; the one that you and I were the only people able to understand and touch.

A change occurred at the beginning of the second semester when the curves of my body got the shapes of your presence and the words of our conversations finally reached my lips. I knew you were there and you could hear me. I was stepping out the shower when it hit my mind: I felt different, as if a whole new skin had wrapped over my soul. I looked in the mirror and pronounced my name out loud.

"Karen."

Even its sonority sounded different to my ear. I put on a black dress and attached a large red scarf around my waist, emphasizing subtly the curves of my stomach, then headed barefoot towards the living where they were all sat playing Poker. The wooden floor was soft under my feet, warm. I could feel the firmness of the ground and the perfect harmony with my own persona. I came closer to the table and observed them without saying a word; a wave of well-being was spreading its charms over my heart when I suddenly screamed. They turned their heads right away, a veil of worry darkened their gazes. But it was just a kick; your first kick.

Time passed by and I found myself divided by the impatience of holding you in my arms and the dreadful feeling that something bad would happen. It's not about superstition but a common sensation that fades slowly with experience but the first pregnancy is such an awkward period of our existence that the slightest thought of doubt can break you down into pieces. I was scared I could lose you; one of us would die and the other one would have to face a useless life with a broken heart. I began to have recurrent nightmares about this loss and the incapacity to overcome it but as soon as I opened my eyes, breathless, Will was holding me tight, brushing away the fear of my dark fantasies.

Do you ever remember the contact of my fingertip on your little palm? It was the day before your birth and subconsciously or not, you had leaned your hand against my stomach. We could distinguish every single finger, the perfection of your body and the craziness of nature's work. You didn't move when I brushed your palm. Very slowly my hand got the same position as yours and I rested there against you, a fine skin separating us from a real touch though for me it will always remain as the first contact we ever made. Will was there, witnessing the scene astonished. He put his own hand over mine and kissed my ear softly before his gentle whisper warmed up my heart.

"Thank you so much for it…"


	3. From Sardi's to The Brooklyn Bridge

_**Your birth.**_

You saw the spring falling over New York through my eyes; how the scent of the flowers was rocking our walks and the warmness of the sun blessing our love. The heat of the summer plunged you into a dry lethargy and the odd sensation you were suffocating. Perhaps you noticed the coolness of the air brushing my face in the night and felt the same relief as me. I often wonder if you just loved this time when we were so close, those nine months. They represent so much for Will and I.

Very slowly the red leaves of the fall began to dance in the air, spinning around before vanishing behind a grey sky as you were making your way towards your own existence. One day the snow caressed the streets under a restful silence and it's when you decided it was time for you to join this world and make me tip over in a warm embrace, a sweet motion of life. This isn't a classic story because it got the shapes of the brightest legends to me; the lights of those unique days when everything turns out and you can't help but smile in front of the glory of our efforts and the relief of our souls.

The seats at Sardi's are uncomfortable and produce a weird noise as soon as you dare to move them slightly though the place carries on some magic that makes your eyes sparkle and your heart beat loud. This must be the house of a thousand of wandering ghosts who flew over the years and took possession, little by little, of the walls and spread their charms over the glamorous atmosphere of the restaurant. The black and white movies reflect the nostalgia of an old time we all would have loved to live; when Prohibition rhymed with the notes of a saxophone and the impossible love between two desperate souls lost in the fog of some blurry metropolis. They tend to disappear from our screens and the spell is broken. But Sardi's is one of the rare places where a similar sensation goes seductively to your head and bewitches your existence. This is my New York fling and this is where Will slid a ring along my finger on a snowy evening of December.

The diamond caught up the pale light of a lamp as I looked at him and smiled. I bit my lip, my fingers getting intertwined with his, and was about to speak when a sharp pain ran through my spine and made me gasp. I frowned but didn't say a word; slightly moved actually. The truth is that I perfectly knew what was happening but the bitterness of my fears was fighting ridiculously against it. Very soon another contraction made me bend over and squeeze Will's hand tighter. I tried to stifle a moan; in vain.

"Karen, are you okay?"

I looked up at him, swallowed hard then shook my head. The tears welled up in my eyes, I was frightened.

"No, I'm not."

It was only a smile but the strength of its honesty reached my soul and I realized how I needed Will; how he was vital for me. I felt secure next to him. We hailed a cab and headed to the hospital. I concentrated on the streetlights speeding past through the windows as Will was on the phone with Grace. The magical world of Christmas had already embraced New York and the multicoloured stores began to rock me peacefully. It was a time for love and sharing; for the people you considered as your closest family and the truth of forgiving acts. The journey didn't last that long though I never felt that tiny and fragile. I leaned my head on his shoulder and let him caress my hair lovingly.

The only memories I have are feelings; how some sweat was running along my forehead, the warmness of Will's hand on my head and the odd sensation of relief when I fell back on the bed, breathless. I heard your cries and all of a sudden the heat of your skin made contact with my own naked body. For a couple of seconds I didn't move, just stared at you. I turned and plunged my eyes into Will's ones, looking for an answer. I felt like I was floating in the air, taken away by some sweet fantasies of a beloved night. I grabbed his hand and our shaking fingers slowly brushed your skin; at the same time, together. I laughed quietly; you seemed to be a stranger whom I knew for a very long time; your heart had been fed by my breath and we had learned about a mysterious language made of silence and love.

"Hi, little girl…"

My voice was just a moved murmur coming from the depths of my heart. A wave of warmness ran through my whole body as the evidence of the success of our life hit my mind; Will and I were parents now and I was holding our daughter in my arms.

"The second one is coming."

This is when the party got a whole different shade. I looked up at the midwife, frowning. A quick glance at Will to see he was in the same state of incomprehension and even if for a moment I felt like looking all around to see if someone else was having a baby, reality caught me up and I managed to speak.

"What are you talking about? Here's my baby." I pointed at the little girl the nurses were taking care of but all of a sudden I felt the pain running back along my spine.

"It looks like you're expecting twins."

I gasped, trying desperately to get back the regular breath that the contraction had taken away.

"But… But… I…" I looked at Will in disbelief before coming back to the midwife. "I'm not a peanut machine!"

An hour later I found at last the quietness and the intimacy of my bedroom, my daughter resting peacefully next to her unexpected brother. Will had left to give some phone calls in the hallway when a soft knock on the door made me turn slowly. Jack and Grace entered and looked inside shyly before bursting into tears when their eyes met with the babies sleeping in their respective cribs. I smiled, trying to keep in mind the intimidating moment we were all living, then introduced my friends to them.

"So apparently Lou doesn't love being alone; that's why Liam is here."

I kissed both of your cheeks and slowly closed my eyes as the lights of The Brooklyn Bridge were glimmering in the night a few step away from us; there, behind the window of the hospital. The phone rang, it was Will.

"So, Karen, you haven't answered to me."

I frowned. "What are you talking about, honey?"

"Look at your finger... Do you want to marry me?"

I laughed quietly. "Yes I do."

One more time, it would all begin here.


	4. Deep in the water and I burst into tears

_**Year one.**_

We never moved out. Buying another flat never crossed our mind, not even a couple of seconds. I had lived in immense penthouses where the coldness of the rooms only got to restrain the slightest note of human warmth. But this time it was a new beginning; far from the loneliness of the impersonal Upper East Side and the failure of my life with Stan. For the very first time I would pay attention to my feelings and accept their soft whims with a sage nod because I knew that I needed them to be fine and relieved. That's why we stayed there, making arrangements through the years in order to respect each one's intimacy and nothing got broken.

There's a natural friendly atmosphere that emerges from this place. The tiny rooms seem warm and reassuring; protective somehow. Perhaps it's all the charm of this flat; the promiscuity tends to emphasize the family spirit that I was desperately looking for. I found it there at the same time as love and hope for a better existence, a brighter one. Now the walls carry on the uniqueness of our memories and the passing of time over our heads since the day I knew I was pregnant until this exact afternoon; when you leave.

I was sat on the floor in front of the fireplace. Grace was on the couch observing in disbelief how Lou was playing with my high heels. You were still in this stage when grabbing with your little hands the slight object was such a victory that you used to celebrate it by clapping and screaming joyfully, looking all around you how the world seemed all of a sudden so easy to get, so beautiful. I let the ball slide towards you until it bumped against your feet. Surprised by the unexpected touch you burst out laughing but didn't grab the toy that rolled a bit farer and finally got stopped by the armchair. You rushed until it on your knees, took it in your hands then looked at me.

Of course we had noticed the evolutions of your movements, how everything seemed to get more precise and firm, just. That's why I only smiled when I saw you lean your palm on the seat and stood up slowly. Anticipating the inevitable fall that used to accompany your unsteady balance, I was about to stand up and reach your body when all of a sudden you decided to drop out the armchair and locking your eyes with mine, you walked towards me. I froze and opened my arms just in time to let you land against me after the exhausting concentration that your first steps had required. I hold you tight, squeezing my legs around you, feeling the heat of your body on mine. The silence that your unexpected behaviour had caused got broken by the return of Will and Jack who only came in to find two women crying hysterically on the floor of the living, one of them clutched desperately to Liam. Of course it was me.

The smell of chlorine was strong and the floor always wet. I hated the moment when my ankles came to touch the back of my pants. The water had impregnated them; the contact with the skin was cold and uncomfortable and the place was so narrow that I didn't stop bumping into the walls while taking off my clothes carefully. You perfectly knew where we were and why, a bright smile lighting up your face. Will was with Liam in the locker rooms for men, a weird comeback to a time when ancestral traditions didn't mix both sexes. It was an intimate moment between you and I that nobody else would ever understand or live. I have kept in mind the image of us reflected in the mirror. I always had a look in it before heading out. I simply loved seeing you in my arms; you wore a dark red swimming suit with a ladybird embroidered on it. We have plenty of pictures of you and I though it's this moment that touched me the most; a mother and her daughter in the purest common motion of love.

My right foot was the first one to reach the water and very carefully my whole body felt the warm liquid caress my skin. Like a soft embrace and still holding you in my arms, we suddenly began to float, our movements getting fluid and light. Will was already there with your brother and my hand on your stomach, I let you swim until them, your face brushing the surface with a disconcerting facility and logic. Then the whole round started; a succession of waves and water games. We plunged and left the outside world for another one made of silence and stifled sounds where the contact of my hand against your skin seemed to emphasize the strength of our relation. There was only you and I there; just your heart beating loud on my palm and the innocence of your smiles.

I never really liked swimming-pools though people used to say it was a unique moment for a child and probably the best way to learn about his own body, the capacity of his movements and the softness of the water on the skin. For me it was all about fusion between you and I; your eyes were sparkling and you laughed out loud as soon as another game started. At one point I took Liam and let you with Will but we always shared the end together. Do you remember it? It was my favorite moment; when we were supposed to let the excitement slow down and come back to rest. I was lying on my back and you were on my stomach. It took us away until the day of your birth when the nurses had put you down against me. All those feelings were emerging again as your skin was caressing mine in the warmth of the water and as by magic you used to close your eyes and stretch out your little palms on my waist while I was caressing your damp hair. The smell of chlorine suddenly didn't feel that bad and the swimming-pool turned into a sweet and unforgettable moment.


	5. Icy shower of snow, sweetness of words

_**Year two.**_

I slammed the door of the bedroom and let myself fall down on the floor slowly. I didn't cry but looked blankly at my hands hanging loosely on my knees; my pale complexion contrasting with the darkness of my clothes. I always have difficulties to face our arguments and that's why most of the times I leave the place in a vain attempt to brush away the fear I could lose him. I love our teasing games but as soon as we cross the limits and our words get seriousness my throat gets dry, I'm shaking. A wave of panic takes possession of me and so I rush away from those dreadful thoughts invading my mind. Will is way too important to me so that I begin to play with our relation. I can't afford to put in danger our life just for a stupid whim.

I don't remember the reasons why we had argued but all of a sudden I heard a soft knock on the door. I bit my lower lip and frowned, feeling guilty for the painful situation we were both living. His hand had caressed the wood with caution, regrets making their way through his sincere gesture. He wanted to be forgiven, I simply hated myself for throwing a fit and spoiling everything. As usual my anger turned into a paradoxical pride, the words fighting against the desires of my heart. I sighed, exhausted, leaning my head backwards against the door.

"Leave me alone."

I closed my eyes and passed a hand on my forehead, looking for an answer to my pitiful behaviour. Sometimes I feel so bad that I come to wonder why he stayed there next to me. I don't deserve him; I'm way too selfish.

"Mommy?"

The voice was tiny and stifled by the door though I didn't miss it because it was the first time the word came out. I stood up slowly and opened the door to face Will's bright smile. He was holding you in his arms, your little hands clenched to his shirt. You both looked at me as a veil of surprise spread all over my face. I stared at you, Lou, and opened my mouth to speak though not a single sound came to my lips. Ironically your first word stole my capacity to speak, honey. But it was for sure one of the most memorable and sweetest reconciliations you ever offered us.

We had rent a cabin in Vermont for your second Christmas; A few days away from New York seemed to be a great idea and you could explore the joys of snow. Around 4pm on our third day there we decided to go for a walk; the sky was blue and the sun was shining brightly. I remember the smell of the pine trees and the ice crunching under our boots. You were both screaming joyfully, running ahead and letting yourself fall down on the thick white layer that had covered the ground. At one moment I took Lou in my arms and kissed her nose as she was smiling back at me behind her sunglasses. You kept on running; we didn't look at you but all of a sudden I froze when your voice pierced the peaceful silence of the woods. I looked up immediately but you were nowhere to be seen.

"Liam…" My voice was blank and inaudible under the fear.

My mind prevented the rest of the world from coming to me, transparent walls blocking any kind of communication with the outside. I forgot about Jack and Grace who were with me, Will had stayed at the cabin to work on a case but within a second I felt desperately lonely and lifeless. I began to run ahead until the darkness of a hole emerged in front of me. I had subconsciously tightened my grip on Lou who didn't know how to deal with my sudden panic. I kneeled down and saw you there, a few steps below. You were crying. Very slowly all the sensations came back through my body, the coldness of the snow and the sun on my face. I turned my head and realized that Jack was already in his way to pick you there.

"Don't be worried, Karen. It's not a big hole and the snow has probably softened his fall there. He's just been surprised."

I looked at Grace who had passed her arms around my shoulders and I nodded blankly. I knew she was right but an instinctive reaction got over my heart and I began to cry loudly as Jack came back and gave you to me. I sat down on the snow, holding you and Lou tightly.

"I want to go to the hospital; just to be sure." My voice had never been so weak but as you stopped crying my heartbeats calmed down and I felt relieved.

The hallways were narrow, tinsels hanging everywhere and a ridiculous Christmas carol was playing in the background. The holiday atmosphere was supposed to be reassuring and sound vaguely friendly though it just got me nervous and sick. The multitude of noises turned in an uncomfortable cacophony and the hot air was oppressive and moist. I was doing my best to entertain you while we were waiting but anxiety was written all over our faces and my happy voice didn't sound convincing in the loud silence. Will had taken off your ski cap and your coat before pressing my hand. He never dropped it out, not even a second. It's probably thanks to him if I managed to make you laugh while playing with your hands.

Our turn finally came and as we were leaving Lou with Grace and Jack, Will squeezed my waist and kissed my temple.

"Don't be worried, Kare. Everything's okay."

And your father was right. We were released thirty minutes later with the weight of a bad memory that would fade with time and the realization perhaps how you were important to us. We never feel so close to anyone than when the loss brushes our existence. You didn't even get any bruise; absolutely nothing. Though you can believe me, Liam: you scared me to death. And unless you want me to have a heart attack, you'd better not to do that again.


	6. When Montessori meets lipstick

_**Year three.**_

We turned on 92nd West and the building appeared. It was an old two-story Georgian mansion with an immense green house on the roof. Flower pots used to accompany every single window, bringing a friendly atmosphere to the place while some drawings were hanging lovingly on the front door. In a strategic conspiracy between Will and I, you had already spent a whole day there in June to get accustomed to it and so, prevent from experiencing a fatal and painful separation a few months later; or better said, this exact morning.

We entered the building at the same time as a young woman. She was holding a little girl's hand tightly, almost anxiously. We both exchanged a resigned smile, feeling immediately a wave of sympathy for each other; we were going through the same state of agony after all. Will was already at the door of the "lily room" with Lou in his arms when I looked down at you. You were waiting patiently next to me, observing with curiosity all the other children who were already playing in their respective rooms. Then all of a sudden you turned your head and smiled at me, vaguely wincing.

"I love it here, mommy."

I moaned and took you in my arms. I never understand why time has to pass so fast; it's unfair. I locked my eyes with yours and kissed your nose.

"I love you, Liam. I will always love you."

You passed your arms around my neck and leaned your head on my shoulder. It was your own way to tell me about your feelings and give to this special moment an ounce of sweetness that we both enjoyed silently. I finally made my way until Will and we went inside the room, taking off your little rucksacks. Lisa came to welcome us and introduce you and your sister to the other children even though Lou would be then in another group; the "ladybird" section. I guess you had a crush on Lisa immediately. Do you remember her? She had very long hair, curled and blond. Her blue eyes seemed to sparkle with delight as a big smile lit up her soft features whenever she used to speak to someone. You told me once she was a beautiful fairy whom you could marry if I refused our own wedding.

She bent down and passed a hand through your hair while you looked at her, dancing on your feet; vaguely blushing. Will laughed quietly as I simply growled and bit my lower lip, jealousy taking possession of my heart. Nodding to Lisa you went straight towards the other boys sat down at a table but you stopped half-way; then turned. Lou had just given me a good-bye kiss before heading towards some dolls and a terrible sensation of loss and loneliness was invading me little by little; growing silently in my conscious. You looked at me and waved an okay sign, fresh sequel to your fascination for Finding Nemo and the sea world, then moved your lips silently.

"It's safe here, mommy."

I nodded and tried desperately to join a smile to my gesture though the emotion was a bit too much for me. A few minutes later I stepped out the building, Will squeezing my waist as my shaking hand was covering my mouth. Jack and Grace stared at my dramatic face a bit confused; nobody would have noticed any difference if I had been mourning my own life. You could read a deep despair all over my features as my eyes were blankly locked on some invisible point behind them. Grace's giggle made me come back to reality and pointing at her seven-month pregnant stomach, I put all my bitterness in a shaky voice.

"You will see… You will see."

We left The Montessori School behind as a page of our life was slowly turning away.

I remember the soft breeze caressing my nape and the sound of the ocean a few steps away; passing through the window and rocking us peacefully. The sun was shinning brightly in the small room and I could see the reflection of your feet over the wooden floor in the mirror. You were spinning around, your white dress flying in the air, following the movements of your hands and getting the shades of your laughs. I concentrated on my lips, the red of the lipstick contrasting in a perfect motion with my pale complexion. You stopped giggling and looked at me in silence, fascinated by the way my hand was tracing over my lips a fine red line. You approached and frowned, obviously troubled by some existential wonder. I sat you down on my lap and smiled at your reflection in the mirror then passed a hand through your dark hair; intertwined my fingers with yours. Very slowly the lipstick made contact with your own skin.

"I want you to remember something, Lou. This is a secret that I got from my own mum; who had previously got it from her own mum and that every single little girl in this world comes to learn at one moment in her life. Take your time when you apply some lipstick. Makeup is fun though there's nothing like patience and concentration to get the best result that will make you look like a wonderful princess."

I added some nose powder while speaking softly into your ear. You didn't say a word, just kept on looking at me with a disconcerting seriousness.

"Look at you, Lou. You're beautiful."

I hugged you tightly and closed my eyes as the scent of your hair was going to my head in a lovely motion.

"And you're always beautiful, mommy."

We were passing from a group of guests to another one, glass of champagne in hand through the garden overlooking the coasts of Martha's Vineyard when you came until Will and I. My thumb was caressing the newly wedding band put on my finger and as I looked down at you, the bright contrast of my white dress with the green of the grass hit my mind; the dark of the ground matching to perfection with the purity of my clothes. Jack scoffed and feigned to be impressed.

"Good Lord, Lou, isn't that makeup?"

With the most evident seriousness you looked at him and nodded.

"Yes it is, Jackie bear. And because I'm a lady, I took my time to apply it."

Then you went away in a ceremonial movement to join your brother and the other children who were playing a bit farer in the garden, leaving astonished adults behind your cute statement.


	7. The color purple, hey Jude

_**Year four.**_

"What's your favourite colour, mommy?"

I stopped playing with Lily and looked down at you. You were narrowing your eyes, obviously waiting for the most serious answer ever. I tightened my grip on Grace's daughter to prevent her from falling on the floor and shuddered evasively.

"I'd say purple… Why, honey?"

"Nothing!"

You rushed back to your room and closed the door behind. Since the day before you had cut your brother's eyelashes in an attempt of exact similarity with you, I stood up immediately and was on my way to your bedroom when Grace, Will and Jack came back to the flat and I forgot about your mysterious behaviour. After all Liam wasn't screaming this time so I assumed you weren't torturing him through one of your extravagant experimentations.

We made our way through the row of seats where other parents were already sat, chatting and reading the programme. The air was hot and in spite of the brouhaha reigning over the room, we could hear children giggling excitedly a few steps away, some of them pocking their heads from time to time behind the curtain to check the presence of their relatives. The typical effervescence of the opening-night was palpable and I couldn't help but smile when I saw your name printed on the sheet of paper. "Solo by Lou Truman". I always thought the mothers' pride for their children was the stupidest thing ever but that evening I understood it was simply the most common feeling of love we could find on earth. I showed the programme to Jack, Grace and Leo while Will was speaking to another parent but all of a sudden the lights turned dark and the first notes began to play.

The West Side Montessori School was attended by children from age two to six. Following the pedagogue's principles, the building on 92nd West resulted to be a small annex where the youngest pupils spent their first years adapting themselves to the educational system before heading to the elementary and secondary school located in another area of The Upper West Side. The show was divided in two parts and as you were only four years old, you would appear at the end of the first act.

I remembered Olivia and Mason's own shows and logically I found back that night the same naïve drawings with birds and butterflies as the stage décor. Though my own experiences had changed a lot of things and I allowed myself to smile and enjoy the performance of the youngest sections which innocence carried on a lightness that tended to soften our lives. Then your brother appeared in the middle of the Itsy Bitsy Spider chorus, highly concentrated on the song with the exact same professionalism that Will usually gets when it comes to his work. Jack leaned over me and I couldn't help giggling under his quiet statement.

"Damn Liam is such a Truman!"

All of a sudden the sound of the rain took away the little spiders and as big blue spotlights appeared onstage, a whole group of children walked slowly until the center, each one wearing clothes that reminded the colours of the rainbow. They were forming a circle, turning their backs to the audience, their heads leaned against each other's one. I started scanning the pupils but frowned when I didn't see you. It was your class, though. I could recognize Emma, Matthew, Emily and Sam, your best friends. I looked at Will a bit confused; he just shuddered, as astonished as me. The music began to play and the circle grew little by little until you finally appeared in the middle of the group that had previously hidden you. I put a shaking hand on my mouth to stifle a gasp when I realized you were wearing purple clothes from your head to your feet.

_**Red and yellow and blue and green,**_

_**Purple and orange and pink,**_

_**I can sing a rainbow,**_

_**Sing a rainbow,**_

_**Sing a rainbow too!**_

_**Listen to your heart, **_

_**Listen to your heart,**_

_**And sing everything you feel,**_

_**I can sing a rainbow,**_

_**Sing a rainbow, **_

_**Sing a rainbow too!**_

It probably only lasted a minute or so though I forgot about all the rest and time seemed to get suspended. There was just you and me; your sweet voice filling my heart with a whole whirl of kisses and pride. I locked my eyes with yours and even if I was in the dark, I know you were looking at me, singing for your mum who was absolutely unaware of the tears running on her cheeks until the song came to its end and I came back to reality under the applause of the audience. It's when I noticed that Will was holding my hand tightly as Jack was on his way for a standing ovation, screaming to everyone you were his niece.

July, your teacher, told me then that you had insisted to be the purple line in the rainbow though you hadn't said why. I smiled and you made me feel special for being the only one who knew about the reason of your choice.

"You should keep that in mind, Karen. The pre-school shows are almost over for you."

I looked at Grace who was eating some home-made cookies during the intermittence, then pouted.

"Hum… Don't be so sure of that, Gracie…"

She frowned and shook her head, a bit confused, until my words hit her mind and she gasped.

"Oh my god… Are you…"

I flashed her a bright smile and simply nodded, giggling when she took me in her arms. I always said that I didn't like being hugged though of course it only belonged to the role I used to play along. There's nothing like the heat of someone you love against your soul. It's so reassuring and warm; as unique as your life.

The door got opened very carefully, almost without producing the slightest noise. I didn't move though and kept my eyes closed, listening to my own breathing; enjoying the peaceful silence of he bedroom in a Sunday afternoon. According to the scientist I wasn't expecting twins but my extreme tiredness resulted to be enough to make me spend the last trimester in bed. I assume you have vague memories about this time when I wandered from the couch to the bed the whole day. You were still young though you seemed to have understood that I needed to rest and so most of the times the flat was plunged into a respectful quietness; almost religious.

You climbed on the bed and leaned your head against my eight-month pregnant stomach, your little palms caressing it softly. I looked down at you and smiled, passing my hand through your hair. You used to be sweeter than Lou sometimes; perhaps as a prelude to give me the right amount of public tenderness that one day you would stop, claiming out loud that a boy doesn't have to kiss or hug his mum. We stared at each other in silence for a couple of minutes, enjoying the softness of our caresses and the warmness of our bodies against each other. I guess it was raining because the lamps had been turned on in spite of the early time and under the pale shade of the light your eyes sparkled like Will's ones. You looked a lot like him sometimes though the fine features of your face were clearly mine. You had picked up the evidence of my own persona and chosen the subtle charms of Will, mixing both elements in a bewitching and singular beauty.

All of a sudden your attention got caught up by the parental magazine resting next to me; you stared at the cover and frowned.

"Is it in this magazine you ordered the baby?"

Your unexpected question made me laugh. I shook my head and turned on aside to face you.

"No honey. You can't order a baby in a catalogue. You can adopt one though it won't be in your stomach for nine months. "

"So where did you get it?"

There we were. I knew that one day I wouldn't escape from the inevitable question and to be completely honest, I had hoped you would ask it to your father but for some reasons, perhaps because I was the one who was carrying the baby, you decided I would answer it to perfection. Subconsciously I stopped caressing your hair and bit my lower lip.

"Well, the baby comes from a part of your dad and a part from me. Two pieces get together and the result is a baby. The two parents share a sweet moment together …"

"They kiss, don't they?"

"Yes, they do. They also hug very tight and it's when the dad part goes into the mum part to create the baby."

I tried to smile in front of my ridiculous explanation but your lack of answer began to worry me a lot. What if I had traumatized you? You were looking blankly at me, an unreadable gaze on your face. Then, all of a sudden you nodded.

"It's like with my Lego, right?"

"What?" I frowned, confused.

"When I attach a part with another one, it gets a new thing."

"Yes, honey. You got it. It's like Lego."

You gave up my stomach and came to hug me in a sweet motion.

"I love you, mommy."

"I love you too, Liam."

You looked down at my stomach.

"I love you too little sister."

"Honey, we don't know about the sex of the baby."

You stood up and looked at me before leaving.

"Well it'd better be a girl because there's no way I share my Lego with a boy. Babies break everything."

God blessed your wish, Liam, when I gave birth a month later to Jude; your sister.


	8. Lou's missing, we're disgusting

_**Year five.**_

I wonder how many times you told us Jude was taking a lot of room for such a tiny person, which caused Will and I a lot of wonders about how to deal with the typical jealousy that a baby can bring. If only there were a guide with the answers to all the questions and situations that parents have to face daily when it comes to their children, we wouldn't have spent so many evenings sat on the couch, trying desperately to find the best way ever to explain you about life and its implicit rules; dreading the fatal mistake that would ruin your life and make us feel guilty until our death. It's all about instinct and improvisation; that may be why it's so unique and beautiful; so rare.

Since the beginning of my second pregnancy the lack of rooms hit our minds and never left us alone until we signed for the purchase of the studio next to our flat. Like a miracle coming from a wonderful land we didn't think about it twice when we learned about the sale and so very soon our flat suffered from the invasion of hammers and other tools not at all dangerous for five-year old children and a new-born baby. I have to confess they did a really good job, very quickly, and two months later Lou and you had your own bedrooms at the end of a new corridor joining both flats, giving your old bedroom to Jude. You weren't far from us and the dozens of pictures we had previously hung on the walls were supposed to reassure you, preventing your bondless imagination from giving birth to invisible monsters every two seconds; at any corner.

Jude was sleeping peacefully in her crib and it was time for you and I to travel through the magic of some story before your dreams took you away for a sweet night in your own bedroom. As usual I sat down on your bed, book in hand, as you were cuddling up against me. When we finally came to the best position, I began to read out loud the story you had chosen. I remember it perfectly because its purchase at the bookstore had caused a little argument between Will and I. It was about a little boy who turned into a leaf and accepted to follow another one until the city dump. I though it was scaring and creepy but Will had immediately adored the illustrations and the lesson we could take from it. I finally abdicated and very soon it turned out to be your favourite book for some reasons I'm still looking for today.

"_**It was a windy day. The mailman barely made it to the front door. When the door opened, Mrs Pennington said, "Hello", but, before she had a real chance to say "Thank you", the mail blew out the mailman's hands into the house and the front door slammed in his face."**_

As we were following meticulously the adventures of Tommy-turned-into-a-leaf, I glanced at you from time to time and smiled, amused by your fascination for the story. You were holding Burt your teddy bear against your chest, its face turned towards the book so that it could also see the drawings.

"_**He wondered where the old leaf had gone. Perhaps one day he would see what the old leaf had seen; perhaps."**_

You sighed dreamingly and stretched your little arms when I finally closed the book and put it down on your bedside table. I tucked you in and kissed your nose before you hugged me tight and wished me a good night. However as I was leaving your bedroom, I turned and saw your desperate gaze, scanning the room. It was the first time you would sleep without Lou, in a room you still didn't know very well and which smell of fresh paint wasn't that welcoming. You didn't say a word though, just tightened your grip on Burt and closed your eyes slowly. I went to check in Lou's room as Will was making his way until you and a few minutes later we left you both for a sort of opening-night we hoped would be quiet and safe.

None of you called us that night. Holding Jude in my arms I went to open your door the next morning but frowned under the unexpected emptiness of your bedroom; you were nowhere to be seen. I checked in your closet and under the bed though you were still missing. For a couple of seconds I tried to remember if I had seen you previously on the couch of the living or in my own bed but very quickly I came to the conclusion you were probably somewhere else. I may not be a morning person but still; once I'm awake, I'm awake. So I went to wake up Lou and it's when the "Liam mystery" got solved. I leaned my head on the frame of the door and couldn't help but smile as I saw you there. You were still asleep and as your right hand was holding tightly Burt, you had put your other hand over your sister's waist. My heart warmed up all of a sudden, a wave of soft emotion passing through my body and getting to rest on my lips as a serene smile you were the only one able to bring me.

I closed the door and came back to Will then leaned over; kissed him softly.

"Thank you for everything, Will. I love you, honey."

He may have taken my gesture for a simple tender moment though it's when I realized how many things I owed him. I would have never lived that without him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

Before Will brushed my hand and settled down my life on The Brooklyn Bridge on a snowing afternoon, I thought once I was pregnant and Stan and I would have a chance to get our own child. I loved Olivia and Mason, in my way, but the lack of natural fusion between the three of us always weighed a lot on me. They weren't my own children; I hadn't carried them during nine months inside of me and I wasn't the woman who had given birth to each one of them under the pain and the most beautiful feeling that such a moment can bring. Very soon it turned out that I wasn't expecting a child though my enthusiasm had pushed me to do something and it was too late to come backwards and draw a line under it.

I never told it to anyone; nobody knows about it but I think now, with the time and the years, I can say it without it breaks my heart as it used to do by then as soon as I saw it. Taken away by the exaltation of an eventual pregnancy, I had secretly prepared a nursery room. I hadn't chosen the biggest one or the most evident place that everyone could see and admire whenever they would come to my mansion. I had just followed my heart and picked up a small room half-way between the main areas of the house and so we would have never been too far from the baby. It was the door opposite the library where Stan used to work; it was calm, perfect. But I never came to use it and, a bit ashamed of my excessive anticipation, I kept it for myself, avoiding the mere gaze towards this door that remained closed forever.

You know the rest and how I don't regret it. I had come to this point when we think it's over; whatever we want or try. We have to accept it because it's just life. You proved me the exact opposite and made me believe I should keep on hoping and praying for my dreams.

"You keep your hand on her stomach to prevent her from falling and very slowly you put on the new diaper."

"Like that?"

I looked at you taking care of Jude and how seriously you were repeating my gestures. You were only five years old but the responsibilities of your acts made you look older. Liam had nothing against the baby though I guess you saw in your sister a life-size doll that could be a lot of fun to play with until her cries got on your nerves and you came back to your silent toys. Little by little you asked me to try and I observed proudly the progresses you were accomplishing. You loved to choose her clothes and very carefully, you put on her little shirt, her dress while I was supervising your work quietly. I used to be just behind you, caressing your hair softly.

"Does she need shoes? She can't walk…"

When the situation seemed to be complicated, I simply leaned over you and guiding your fingers with mine, we finished the work together. Then you took Jude in your arms and turned towards me, smiling proudly.

"We're done! Now let's go for a walk, mommy. Can we go to the park?"

"Hum… I was thinking about another place, honey."

"Where?"

"Brooklyn. I want to see the bridge."

You frowned but nodded, probably highly curious by the fact of walking on a bridge. The sky was blue and we were far from a winter day but as soon as we stepped on it I couldn't help but smile; the reminiscence of the whirl that had taken me away into the warmness of a love I hadn't expected. We kept on walking on the bridge slowly; you were holding my hand and Jude was sleeping against my chest, wrapped up in a big scarf that I had attached around my waist. A few steps more and I flashed Will a big smile. He was waiting at the exact same place where we had kissed for the first time, Liam next to him. They were coming back a soccer game and according to your brother's face, his team had probably lost. I looked at Will and realized that nothing had changed since that day; my feelings were still there, so strong.

Liam coughed, you sneezed, Jude moved against me; I looked down at you.

"What are we doing here, mommy?"

"Well, Lou… I wanted to show you this place that means a lot to me because it's where everything began for our family."

You frowned, obviously confused by my statement. Liam growled and sighed.

"Aw come on! It's where they kissed!"

"Ew…"

You looked at Will and I with a mock of horror before shaking your head.

"Don't take it bad mum and dad but… You two are disgusting."


	9. Poems and fairies

_**Year six.**_

I felt how a hand was gently pushing away my hair behind my ear before the softness of some lips came to rest on my cheek in a tender kiss. I kept my eyes closed a few seconds more and smiled to the sweet attention I had just been given. I knew it wasn't Will because we all have our singular way to kiss someone and I had experienced his own one for almost seven years now. Lou never woke up before I did unless something bad had happened and so I couldn't enjoy such a sweet and calm moment. Most of the time we had to hurry up and try as much as we could to get back the situation under control, breaking into pieces the slightest hope of a tender kiss in the morning. It could have been Jude though something kept on telling me it was you; perhaps the gracefulness of your gesture.

I finally turned on my back and opened my eyes, Will's hand resting on my waist; sliding along my stomach as I moved in our bed. You smiled at me and put down the tray next to me. You had prepared my tea, poured some orange juice in a glass and the French toasts were waiting sagely in a plate the right amount of butter you had put next to them. I frowned and bit my lower lip as my heart was getting the sweetness of your attention but all of a sudden I noticed the rose over a sheet of paper you had previously folded. I took the flower in my hand and opened the little white square. The background of your drawing was all blue, matching with the pink of some hearts you had added all around a text.

_**I give you a smile**_

_**You give me a kiss**_

_**A smile per day**_

_**A kiss per night**_

_**And I give you my love**_

_**For the eternity**_

Very slowly I looked up at you, holding tightly your poem in my hand, unaware of the fact that my tears were forming big circles on the page and so ruining your drawing. You leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"Happy birthday, mommy."

My moan woke up Will and he found me hugging you tight, crying my eyes out over the breakfast you had prepared for me.

"Thank you so much, honey." I kissed your hair and let the heat of your body reach mine. "I love you, Liam."

You can find this poem on the photo album of your sixth year. Your writing is awkward but the letters reflect a high concentration; you have always been a perfectionist. And even though some drawings came to disappear, I can tell you that everything is engraved in my heart; your sweet attentions will never give me up. They are a part of me as your presence and your day-to-day smiles gave birth to my strongest dreams.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Please Princess Karebear, kneel down."

Nodding respectfully I obeyed to "Your Majesty Lou", wincing at Jude who was staring at us a bit confused but amused by the situation. Your crown hadn't found yet the right balance on your head, hanging dangerously on your left side but playing all along the role of the queen, you kept on ignoring this detail and brushed my head, then my shoulders, with your magic wand; the ceremony had begun.

"Princess Karebear, repeat after me: marshmallows I will give to the Queen."

Breaking character for a couple of seconds my mother-eyes looked at you in a very convincing way so that you changed your commandments.

"Well… Two marshmallows I will give to the Queen; a strawberry milk-shake I will share with the Queen; my eternal love I will assure to the Queen and… A lot of presents..."

New mother-eye shot.

"A lot of… Well, hugs; that works too; I will give to the Queen."

With solemnity I repeated "The Queen Commandments" and smiling at me you put down on my head a silver crown with fake rubies on it, the gold one being, of course, for Your Majesty. Then, my shoulders got wrapped by a pink cape you attached around my neck, planting two kisses on my two cheeks.

"Congratulations, Princess. You now belong to the Lou Truman Kingdom; enjoy your stay!" You looked all around you and narrowed your eyes. "Now our first mission will be to find out two Princes Charming to speak to over our strawberry milk-shakes. I suggest we leave the castle, cross the woods and finally make our way until the Starbucks of the Kingdom."

I looked at your little sister who was shaking vigorously her own magic wand, probably trying to turn her doll into a horse-drawn coach.

"If Your Majesty doesn't mind, I would like to take with us Jude the elf because it's not nice at all to leave the others behind."

You growled and looked reluctantly at your sister before abdicating.

"Alright, the elf can come too. But she will be in the front line while we cross the woods so if some wolves come up, they will eat her, not us."

The third mother-eye shot didn't get the expected goal though we made our way out your bedroom until the living, trying to avoid the traps of the corridor-aka-woods where the horrible monsters and beasts finally didn't threaten us. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and in order to back you up a little since your brother had been invited to a birthday party and not you, I had transformed the whole flat into a Kingdom even more beautiful and amazing than The Lord of the Rings one. Sheets of various colours were hanging over the furniture to give a sweet shade to the "sky" while dolls and teddy bears were forming a row of bodyguards all along the path that crossed the terrible woods. From your bathroom to my closet everything had been turned upside down and every single item had found a new utilisation in the Queen Lou Kingdom. In a word, it was a total mess.

For my unbelievable courage to have crossed the woods without crying, you gave me my own magic wand and as we were ordering our strawberry milk-shakes to the waitress-aka-myself of the Starbucks-kitchen, Jack came in and couldn't help but laugh when he saw me, a magic wand in a hand, Jude in my arms, a ridiculous crown on my head and a pink cape over my shoulders, preparing our drinks.

"Here's the Wizard! Here's the Wizard!"

I looked at you then smirked at Jack.

"Hum… I'm not so sure, Queen Lou. According to what I heard, Jack belongs to the fairy community."

You looked at me, astonished.

"Does he have a magic wand?"

"Good Lord yes he does! A whole collection of magic wands; very impressive..."


	10. A suntanned fish, 36 stars

_**Year seven.**_

Elizabeth joined our family on a Sunday afternoon after Liam won it at some funfair organized by The Upper West Side. I remember the deep interest the three of you used to have in your new companion and the impressive amount of hours you could spend just looking at Elizabeth twirling around over and over in the bowl. Jude had developed the strong determination to imitate every single movement and attitude of the fish while Liam simply took care of it with a lot of attention and seriousness. That's why I should have known better that the tragedy would come from you, Lou; especially since the day you had decided to apply some nose powder on the pet and we had found back a shocked Elizabeth swimming through some brown water, my Chanel makeup resting at the bottom of the bowl.

I stepped out the shower and put on a bathrobe. According to the stifled sounds I could hear in the living, Will had just come back from work and was tickling Jude who didn't stop laughing loud. I made my way until the couch and frowned when a strong smell of fish brushed my nose.

"You're preparing fish for dinner, honey?"

Between two short kisses Will shook his head. "No, I've just arrived and I was planning to make pasta. Besides I thought it was you who had cooked fish." I looked at him in disbelief, astonished he had dared to join in the same sentence two antithetic words: cook and Karen. But all of a sudden an icy wave of anxiety ran through my veins and reached Will who ended up stealing my own scared features. Very slowly we both turned our heads, our gaze getting fixed on the table where Elizabeth's bowl was resting since "The Chanel Incident".

"Oh my god!"

I rushed until it and took the bowl in my hands. The goldfish was still there though it had stopped twirling around and was now floating on the surface, lifeless; the colour of its scales had turned into a fatal black and Elizabeth suddenly looked like more a French toast we would have left burning a bit too long. In the meantime Will had taken out the microwave some scales of past Liam's goldfish. I put down the bowl on the table and stared at your father a bit confused. Your brother was still with Jack and Jude being definitely too young to turn on the microwave, it could only be you though I still didn't understand one thing.

"How did she manage to reach the microwave? It's too…"

I had no time to finish my sentence. While I was sitting down on one of the chairs of the table, the cotton fabric gave way and I found myself trapped into the frame, a few inches away from the floor, unable to get out of it on my own. Will froze a few seconds in front of my unexpected posture and finally let the laughs come out uncontrollably; the image of my legs suspended in the air while my "backseat portion" was brushing dangerously the floor was apparently a very funny thing to see. Feeling how the anger was growing with strength, I clenched my fists and took a deep breath.

"Lou Grace Truman you are dead!"

Will finally helped me to get out of the broken chair and I headed right away to your bedroom where I found a very sage Lou reading on her bed. You see honey, the truth is that you can't lie; you're very bad at it. While your words come out, your whole face begins to blush as the guilt makes its work through your conscious.

"What have you done to Elizabeth?"

"Who?"

Bad answer. My famous mother-frosty-look led you to abdicate and, looking shamefully at your feet, you told me the whole story: how you had wanted to get the fish suntanned and the microwave seemed a good option but in order to reach it you had needed a chair, which fabric had given way under your weight. Then it was when everything had gone wrong; the dead fish, the broken chair you weren't allowed to stand up on it and so, your parents' inevitable anger. As Elizabeth was a fish you had thought that it may have come back to life while plunging it in the water and for the chair some glue would be enough though not knowing where the super glue was, you only had your own one, not very efficient.

"I'm sorry, mommy…"

Very slowly you looked at me and the scared expression of your gaze hit me right away. As my daughter you had to know why sometimes I could be angry with you though I certainly didn't want you to be afraid of my eventual reactions. That's the thing I dread the most about our relation; I want you to be able to trust me, whatever you come to do or say. There's no way I represent a dreadful figure to you. While I was trying to deal with the eventuality something had broken between you and I, an idea had had enough time to reach my devilish brain.

"Well, Lou, it looks like you're going to spend a very long time at the library those next days…"

You looked at me and frowned, confused; but after having publically apologized to your brother for the accidental loss of his goldfish, you went three afternoons in a row to The Public Library and prepared two talks: the first one about the life of the fishes, why they couldn't get suntanned, and the second one about the dangers of the kitchen and the reasons why children didn't have to use the items without their parents' permission. A whole audience sat down in the living the next Saturday to listen to your work: Jack, Grace, Lily, Liam, Jude, Will and I. And once we were done with that, we proceeded to Elizabeth's funeral who now rests in the Strawberry Fields Forever section of Central Park.

I supervised your research at the library as Will looked at you cleaning the microwave because Elizabeth's stay in it had resulted extremely greasy.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Do you remember the story of Jamie?"

You simply nodded at me.

"Well honey, the doctors are going to do the same to you. They will open your stomach while you will have beautiful dreams and before you can count all the stars that shine brightly in the sky, you will wake up and everything will be over."

I kissed your head and held you tight, thanking silently Leo, Leon or whatever his name is, for having offered you a book about a little boy who had to get an operation. It was just the appendicitis, something very common, but you were seven years old and the world of the hospital didn't look that friendly to you. I did my best by then to reassure you in spite of my own anxiety. It was the first time that one of my children would have to go to the block and I couldn't help being scared to death about it. Anyway, who loves this kind of things?

I stayed with you the whole time; sat down next to you on your bed, talking and reading some books or just hugging you tight. I can't even imagine how many times I told you that everything would be fine, that it wouldn't hurt. I'm not sure though who needed the most to hear those words; you or me. With an incredible amount of courage you didn't cry when they took you away. I waved good-bye as my throat was tightening its grips over my heart, the tears beginning to well up and run on my cheeks. That's why I turned and abandoned myself to Will's arms. I couldn't even tell you how long it lasted but it seemed to be an eternity for me. Your sisters were with Grace, waiting for our post-operation call. There was a clock above your bed that stole my gaze and hypnotized my mind. I looked blankly how the seconds were passing by, so slowly. I've never been that quiet for such a long time; I remember I was sat on Will's lap, his arms over me as I was holding against my chest your teddy bear. None of us dared to speak or move; as if time had suspended its run all of a sudden as soon as you had disappeared from our gaze.

A wave of lightness embraced my soul when you came back to the room, still half-asleep. I rushed to your little and fragile body as the doctor was telling us that everything had been perfect and you were an adorable patient. I was way too busy caressing your temples to pay attention to the scientist though his words seemed to resound somewhere in my head and they had this power to comfort my hopes and warm up my heart. Very slowly you turned your head towards me and vaguely opened your eyes; I was smiling.

"Thirty-six, mommy…"

I frowned, unsure I had got your words because obviously I was missing their meaning.

"There were thirty-six stars in the sky. I counted all them but then God knows I got bored!"

I laughed and kissed your head as you were getting back to sleep. I could feel the heat of your body against my chest and Will's one on my back. And I was fine, so fine.

"I love you, Liam. Welcome back to our life…"


	11. Of ugly teeth and blueberry pies

_**Year eight.**_

"I o y ooth."

Under the total incomprehension of what you had just told me, I stopped chatting with Jack and looked down at you. It seemed your face had been paralyzed in a weird mock; your mouth hanging wide open while your eyes reflected a state of extreme confusion. You had been caught up by surprise and you didn't know what to do. Still unable to understand what was happening, I frowned and shook my head.

"What do you want, Lou?"

You finally tended your fist towards me and loosened it to let appear a tooth resting in the middle of your palm. I couldn't help but smile in front of such a classic moment and realized suddenly how time was passing fast. Within a week you would turn eight years old and now you had just lost your first tooth. You were growing up; I was getting older. Facing the injustice of this world I ignored how my heart was breaking into pieces and smiled at you; passing a hand through your hair.

"Oh… Congratulations, honey! It looks like some little girl is going to be visited by The Tooth Fairy. You know what it means, don't you?"

You gasped as your eyes began to sparkle with delight. As a matter of fact, I had bought you a book a few years before that told the story of this myth, thinking it would be a good way to soften the drama of losing a tooth and so, prepare you and your brother to this inevitable event that would come up one day. We cleaned your mouth and, all excited by the gift you would get that night, you spent the whole day elaborating plans and fantasies about The Tooth Fairy bringing you a thousand of different things from a pony to a garden gnome that you seemed to appreciate for whatever reason by then.

As I was tucking you in in the evening, you checked five or six times that everything was in place for the Fairy's coming though a fine line on your forehead led me to think that something kept on bothering you. I laid down next to you and took you in my arms, caressing softly your back.

"Are you okay, honey?"

You shuddered and finally sighed. "Is it true that if The Fairy thinks my tooth is ugly she will bite me?"

"What?!?!?"

"That's what Liam told me… And I checked, you know mommy; the tooth is ugly."

"Aw… My little Lou… Liam misunderstood it all. It's the brother she bites if the tooth is ugly and for having checked on my own, your tooth is perfect. There's nothing to be worried about, sweetie."

After ten more minutes of comfort you finally abdicated and closed your eyes for an anxious night. I made my way until Liam's room and gave him a frosty look.

"You should be ashamed of yourself! Liam, do you know you have probably offended The Fairy, now? And Lord knows what she's able to do to the brothers who lie to their sisters… I'd be careful if I were you."

Liam laughed but the seriousness of my features suddenly imposed a veil of confusion in his mind; I left his room, satisfied. You didn't get to sleep that night though and as much as we tried, you were still wide awake at 3 in the morning. That's why you found a note from The Fairy in front of your door the next morning.

_**Dear Lou, your brother pissed me off so much last night that I couldn't make my way until your bed. However, there you will find the dollar you deserve. Keep safe all the other teeth you will lost because they are the most beautiful ones I have ever seen and Lord knows I see a lot of specimens. Good luck, dearest.**_

_**Your friend, The Tooth Fairy.**_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Oh damn…"

I growled and pushed away some spider's web from my face. I had nothing against making you happy though Halloween tended to get on my nerves very easily; perhaps because everything gets spooky by then, even a pair of high heels. However as I loved you more than anything, I was in the front row to accompany the three of you through the streets of The Upper West Side where a whole party had been organized for the kids of the area. Even Jack was there before heading to his own celebration downtown with his friends who once thought I was a ten.

This year Jude had chosen to dress up as a sunflower, Lou wanted to be a star because she had lately developed a high interest in astronomy and you were a One Thousand Dollar Bill. Resigned I had finally accepted your begs to turn into Marilyn Monroe and Will who had joined us right after his work had had no time to get dressed though everyone seemed to think he was Alex Trebek; for his highest anger. We met Grace aka Dorothy from Oz and Lily aka the rainbow near by The Lincoln Center then headed up towards the Halloween spooky party. Intrigued by a blueberry pie contest, you followed Will and Grace until it as I stayed at an old carousel with the girls, ghosts and vampires screaming around me and gorging themselves with candies. Growing in annoyance I stared blankly for a couple of minutes at a pair of high heels that some girl dressed up as a sexy nun was wearing until I jumped, feeling on my neck the moist breath of some dude.

"Looking for James Dean, Marilyn? Fancy a ride?"

I turned and looked, disgusted, at a man dressed up as the famous actor.

"A ride through the cliffs? Be careful, honey; the last time you said that, we found you in a pretty bad state. Now get the hell out of here, my Arthur Miller is coming." I pointed at Will who was coming back with Grace and you; the twat disappeared as by magic. Grace laughed when I told her about my unexpected encounter with some drunk James Dean and promised me that if I came to leave for a wide ride through the cliffs, she would take care of you because you two shared a love for blueberry pies.

We came back home a few hours later and after having locked in a safe place all your candies, we all went to bed for a restful night far from Halloween.

The clicking of some heels woke me up all of a sudden. The sound was stifled but I knew I hadn't dreamed; there was someone in the flat at four in the morning. I got up very slowly and grabbed some hairspray as an eventual weapon if I came to face some New York thief. The living was plunged in the dark but very soon I managed to see a vague figure approaching the corridor that led to your bedroom.

"Don't move your fucking ass."

I turned on the lights and found Grace still dressed up as Dorothy but wearing this time the pair of high heels I had contemplated near the carousel earlier in the night. She was carrying on a blueberry pie. I shook my head, confused.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I come to take Liam with me. You're having a ride so your son is mine now."

I opened my mouth to speak but the words stayed trapped in my throat. I turned my head and saw Will waiting for me in a car; he was dressed up as James Dean. It's when I realized I was also still wearing my Marilyn Monroe dress and my blond wig. I looked back at Grace in disbelief but she was already holding your hand, gorging you with blueberry pie.

"But… But…"

A sudden instinct threw me right on Grace, pushing you aside and I began to fight with her for your custody. She had blueberry pie all over her face and couldn't help shrieking like a pig. Will had started the engine and I screamed to you to step in the car quickly as I was now gorging Grace with the pie. The fight was violent but my love for you seemed to have taken possession of my brain and was controlling a strength I had never seen before. Breathless I looked at Grace who had stopped moving for a while and it's when I noticed the blue of her skin, matching to perfection with the blueberries. She had pie everywhere in her mouth, her nose and her ears but little by little my conscious joined my brain to hit me brightly: I had killed Grace.

"Oh my god… Grace! Grace!"

I started shaking her lifeless body, anxiety getting mixed with fear and guilt as the pain of such atrocity was weighing on my heart; I was sobbing. All of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder and screamed.

"Karen, are you okay?"

I opened my eyes, breathless, and looked at Will. He was sat next to me in our bed, a worried gaze crossing his face. I nodded quietly as I was making my way back, slowly, until reality.

"It was just a bad dream… I need some water."

I got up and walked out the room unsteadily, still shocked by what I had dared to do to Grace in my nightmare. I stopped half-way while reaching the living and scanned the situation. After a couple of seconds, I checked I was alone and ran until your bedroom. You were still there, sleeping peacefully; there was no blueberry pie to be seen.

I could barely look at Grace the next morning, ashamed of my subconscious though when she suggested she could take you for some walk, I have to confess that a dreadful instinct began to boil in my veins.

"I don't know, Gracie. Liam… Perhaps he should stay here. You know, with Halloween and all, he must be tired."

So Liam, honey, if your aunt Grace wants to take you away from me one day, RUN. I love you too much for that, sweetie.


	12. John Lennon and Isaac Stern

_**Year nine.**_

And all of a sudden my days turned dark and cold; lonely. I lost the ambition for smiling; what for? It went above the simple fact of his presence next to me, his love. Reality hit my mind as my heart was breaking into pieces. Will had stolen my breath and the bright aura that used, once, to light up my dreams. I can't live without him and that's why I stopped breathing, subconsciously, when he had to leave.

I always did my best to hide my pain from you; never let you see me crying though I spent most of the nights with the salt of my tears as single companion, brushing away the heat of his body next to mine. I kept on pretending because a mother isn't allowed to be weak, at any moment. There's nothing more disarming than when the figure of your strength finally bursts into tears and then you feel helpless, shocked. I hugged you tight, drew you under a thousand of kisses but the compensation only resulted ridiculous and vain. You knew I wasn't fine and how fragile my smiles were but the lies are easier; they carry on a false warmth we need to go on.

I was trapped into my past life when Stanley was my husband and I wandered aimlessly through the house, wishing for an unexpected twist that would lighten my days. I always hated business trips but growing with my feelings for Will, this time it just killed me. The promises don't change anything and even before his plane took off, I was already missing him.

"Wow!"

I looked at you unwrapping your presents, my hand caressing absent-mindedly a golden tinsel. A tired smile crossed my lips but the sudden effort of the gesture made me shiver and I tightened my grip on the sweater I had put on, the famous letters of Will's university vanishing behind my hands. There was such a contrast between the joyful expressions of your faces and the transparency of my eyes, lifeless and hurt. While you were comparing your new toys, I sighed heavily and turned my head, staring blankly how the snow was falling over New York quietly.

"Mum, can we take the picture now?"

I looked back at Liam and nodded. "Sure, honey. Will, where…"

My words got lost in the silence of my mistake. Will used to take a picture of the three of you every year just after the rush under the Christmas tree though for the very first time your father hadn't been able to make it and there we were, breaking the tradition because of some obligations we had no hold over.

"Dude!" You pushed your brother and came to kiss my cheek. "It's okay, mommy, don't be worried. Besides you hadn't opened your presents yet."

Swallowing back the irrepressible wish to rush away and spend the whole day crying, I smiled back at you and began to unwrap my presents. Jude offered me a noodle-necklace and Liam nail varnish. As I was thanking both of them for the lovely attention, you tended me a little packet.

"This is my present for you… I hope you will like it."

I unwrapped the red paper and stumbled across a note: _**"Meet me at 11am in China." **_I frowned and looked at you.

"Take it up."

I did and my hands started shaking as the evidence of the webcam I was holding made its way through my brain. I bit my lower lip and looked up at you very slowly, the tears running on my face. You were smiling.

"I guess it's time to turn on the computer, Mrs Truman."

I hadn't seen Will for almost four months. He was working on a very important case somewhere in The Pacific Ocean, a small island where electricity hadn't been installed yet. But miracles do happen for Christmas and thanks to the help of a colleague, he had managed to get a computer for a couple of hours. The image appeared suddenly; I gasped. Will was smiling brightly.

"I love you, honey…" I brushed the screen with my fingertips and marked the shapes of his face very slowly in order to keep in mind the slight detail that would rock my lonely heart when I found back the coldness of our bed, by night. I took you on my lap and kissed your hair, smiling at your father through my tears.

"Oh god Lou, what have you done to me?... Why China?"

"Because it's exactly half-way between here and daddy."

I have kept in mind the image of the four of us looking at the computer and making connection with some far place of this world, finding back the taste of love through a simple machine and your sweet attention. The radio was on; it was John Lennon.

_**So this is Christmas  
And what have you done  
Another year over  
And a new one just begun  
Ans so this is Christmas  
I hope you have fun  
The near and the dear one  
The old and the young**_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

I leaned over the wall and got lost in the contemplation of some drawings hung next to me. A group seemed to have worked on Picasso and, more or less convincingly, had taken back the concepts of Cubism for their own productions. I couldn't help but smile when the smell of pencils went to my head but the door opened all of a sudden and my sweet fantasies flew away immediately. I turned and faced Barbara, the headmaster of the school. I shook her hand as we were both entering her office.

"Please, sit down, Mrs Truman."

I have to confess that I was pretty anxious. I didn't know why she had wanted to see me and, to be honest, the reminiscence of my own scholar years gave to this moment a very intimidating note. She crossed her hands and plunged her big green eyes in mine, making me even more uncomfortable.

"As you know, Mrs Truman, the spirit of our school is based on the children's sensibility and curiosity to lead them to a stage of autonomy and independence they will all need throughout their lives. That's why we organize every week different workshops where the pupils can find out, not only about a new subject, but also about themselves. This last point leads me to your son, Liam."

Uh-oh. Unsure of the reaction I was supposed to adopt, I simply nodded, swallowing hard.

"Last week Liam's group got to know about the world of music. Day after day, they have been showed the different instruments, learned some rudiments of music, listened to various styles of music and finally, get to try and play. I'm not going to lie to you, Mrs Truman. Liam seems to be very talented. He kept a constant interest in the activity and didn't stop showing up extreme facilities for music. Mirabelle, our music teacher, even offered him a place in her class though he turned her down. Your son is afraid of people's reactions and comments if he came to play an instrument because it's not very… Boyish. And I was hoping you could make the difference and lead him to change his mind. It'd be such a waste if Liam stayed away from music. His face lights up whenever it comes to it."

I broke the news to Will the exact evening after the three of you went to bed and turned the lights off. After a long discussion we came to the conclusion we couldn't force you to do anything though we had to try; for you.

I knocked at your door and entered your bedroom. I pointed at the cd I was holding and smiled.

"Would you mind…?"

You shook your head and couldn't restrain a smile when the first notes resounded.

"Why are we listening to Isaac Stern?"

I gasped and looked at you. "How do you know who's playing?"

You simply shuddered. "Well, it's easy."

"And what else can you tell me about it?"

"It's a bit from Camille Saint Saëns' Concerto n°3 for cellos."

I took off my high heels and sat down next to you on your bed, caressing your hair softly. I took a deep breath.

"What are you afraid of, Liam? Why don't you want to play music? You shouldn't be ashamed of such a thing. Music is unique, and noble. Don't lie to yourself, honey. Don't pretend you're someone else; or you'll just get to regret it for the rest of your life. I know it's not easy though… Always listen to your heart before taking any decision. You could miss so many things… So many things…"

I stood up and was on my way out of your bedroom when you finally decided to speak.

"But I'm a boy…"

I turned and shuddered. "Yes, you are. And so Isaac Stern was."

Two days later you came back home with your cello and as long as I know, none of your mates from the base-ball team made fun of you for it.


	13. Boys, boys, boys

_**Year ten.**_

I had fallen in love with a total denial that your tenth birthday simply reduced into pieces within a second. Now tell me about how everything is fragile… You never wanted to reach some Neverland and so you kept on growing up without I noticed it. But one morning reality hit me and so I burst into tears, unable to move out of the bed. It wasn't a whim but the frustrating realization that time was passing by and very soon you would leave.

I happened once to be someone else; going from cocktails to parties without reaching the slight notion of truth and softness I desperately needed. I may have surprised everyone by getting my own family and so settling down all the rest; my scandalous behaviour faded away and I turned a page. It wasn't that difficult because my real friends didn't belong to this world though as bad as it can be, a routine is reassuring; too much perhaps.

"Is Karen Walker dead?"

I smiled at an old friend of mine I met last week. "No, Beverly. She just changed her name and assumed her dreams."

I finally made my way out of the bedroom around 11am and bit my lips as a wave of nausea was passing through my body when I bumped into some colourful balloons. My eyes were so puffy and red that Jude thought I had caught some bad infection. I simply shook my head and grabbed a pair of sunglasses before sitting down on the couch and looking blankly at the wall in front of me. Grace found me there an hour later. I hadn't moved but my irrepressible affection for words had led me until some inaudible growling. All of a sudden the subtle aroma of vodka stirred up a whole wave of memories and I couldn't help but smile at Will when I grabbed the glass he was holding in front of me.

"Bloody hell, get dressed Karen. You're going to be late."

I nodded and came back to the bedroom, sipping my first martini for years. My pregnancies had put an end to the relation I used to have with the drink and then I guess I had just forgotten about it, taken away into the whirl of my new life and the love I had found thanks to the three of you. I put on a black dress and curled my hair, trying desperately to hide the weight of time and the sadness of my heart behind those ridiculous artifices. The party set off and your happiness warmed up my bones; eased the pain. You were laughing loudly, playing with your friends and spinning around under some music. Children's joy is the best medicine ever when you feel down and as I was looking at you from the terrace, lost in your father's arms, you made me feel proud of my life. You didn't brighten it but gave actually some sense to my breath.

"How about Paul?"

"Jeez, he's so cute…"

And then I died; like that, right away in the middle of the afternoon. Your statement simply killed me, honey. I felt back on my heart the weight of this tragedy called time and I rushed to the terrace, looking for some air before bursting loudly into tears. I hadn't meant to hear your conversation but by some unfortunate accident, I had happened to be there at the bad moment, which means in the hallway leading to your bedroom. You were there, sat down on the floor with Emma your best friend, speaking about boys. Boys.

"What's happening, Karen?"

I didn't move and kept on sobbing quietly, leaned on the brick wall as Will was coming closer to me. He grabbed my shoulders and made me turn around to face him. I looked at him through the ocean of tears running on my cheeks then swallowed hard but my voice remained shaky.

"She likes boys…"

I rushed in your father's embrace and tightened my grip on him as I did my best to deal with the fact that my Lou thought that Paul was a cutie; whoever he was. I guess I never even came to know him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Are you sure you want to try? It's… It's sport, you know."

I looked at you and tried to ignore the doubts invading my mind. I nodded.

"Yes, honey. Come on, I'm sure I can do it."

To be honest, there was nothing less certain but still. I went until the small spot you had previously showed me and waited for the inevitable disaster the whole Central Park was about to live. I pushed away some strands of hair and smiled at you nervously. The moment was delicate and my love for you was fighting against my conscious screaming out loud I had absolutely nothing to do there; wearing sneakers and sweatpants.

"Here we go!"

And here I didn't get anything. I saw the ball coming straight to me and a second later I was hitting violently the nothingness of the air, twirling around under the strength of my arms. I looked all around me and finally saw the ball resting to my feet. I made a face and bit my lower lip.

"Oh… I'm sorry, Liam."

"Well, it's okay. It's okay, mum. That was just a first time and we all know how the first times are crappy."

I nodded but realized all of a sudden the meaning of your statement and scrutinized your innocent gaze; as innocent as I thought and hoped it still was. I brushed away the ridiculous idea and tried to concentrate on the fact you were only ten years old; you were still my baby.

"Okay, let's try again, honey."

And I failed. Though this time I had the feeling that I had vaguely brushed the ball before I dropped out the bat and let it fall down behind me. I sighed and was about to give up my base-ball training when I looked at you smiling at me encouragingly. I always knew that time would end up fading a bit our relation. You were a boy, I was a girl, and so logically the years passing by, you would find more points of common with your father than with me. However I was still not about to give up everything for a simple difference of sexes and that's why that exact morning we had headed to the park in order we shared something you loved a lot: base-ball. And now that I was there, trying desperately to hit a ball with a wooden stick, I wondered if I shouldn't have tried cello instead.

I shook my head and got back to the aim of the moment, clearing my voice nervously as I was praying silently for the end of such a humiliation. The ball floated in the air and finally made contact with my bat. I looked how my strength was pushing it at least a block away, my eyes sparkling with delight under my unexpected success. There I was. I had got it. Proud of myself I looked down at you and winced.

"So…?"

"Run!"

I frowned, confused. "Why honey? It's Sunday, we have all our time to pick up the ball."

"No… You have to run before I catch it up. It's the rule."

I swallowed hard. Now I had managed to hit a ball with a stick and thought it was all safe, the worst still had to come: I was supposed to run.

"Oh… Good lord…"

Reluctantly I began to run, not knowing how long and where I was supposed to go like that, waiting for your indication that didn't last before reaching me.

"Mum, what are you doing? It's not a jogging! Run fast!"

We came back home two hours later. I rushed into the flat running and screaming to everyone that I was a base-ball pro now; a big smile lighting up my face. Will followed me until the bedroom where I finally broke down and let myself fall down on the floor, breathless. I dragged myself until the bathroom, growling under the pain and throwing things at Will who didn't stop laughing. I spent the rest of the day in bed, huddled up against myself.

"Hi…"

I smiled and looked at you as you came closer to my dying body. You hugged me very tight, I prevented from screaming.

"Thank you very much, mum. I'm really proud of you."

I shuddered and smiled back at you. "It's normal, Liam. Besides I really wanted to try."

"Really?"

"Yes, honey. Though I'm not sure The Giants could be interested in me…"

"Mum… The Giants are a football team."

"Oh no…"

I let myself fall on the pillows, burying my lack of sport knowledge deep inside of me.


	14. A 36c hottie

_**Year eleven.**_

I was sharing a snack with Jude when you rushed in and slammed the door angrily. The sudden and unexpected gesture put an end to the sweet discussion I was having with your sister as we both turned towards you, waiting for an explanation. You didn't say a word though, not even look at us. Within a second you had already vanished through the corridor leading to your bedroom. I could have let you deal with your troubles, after all it may have been none of my business, but you were still my son and the truth was that I could barely accept the fact you may be worried. Lou wasn't supposed to come back home before an hour or so which meant I had all my time to investigate the Liam case.

"I'll be right back, sweetie."

I kissed Jude's head and made my way until your bedroom. The silence reigning over there caught me up by surprise and it's when I realized that something bad had probably happened. You couldn't live without music; whether you were sad or angry, happy or anxious, you always had some tune playing in the background, accompanying your moods. But this time it was cold and the atmosphere heavy when I knocked at the door and entered timidly your room.

You were sat on your bed, looking blankly through the window the building opposite the street; your arms crossed against your chest in a protective attempt. I remember the pile of books resting on the floor next to your desk and there was always some cds scattered haphazardly all around. You never closed the door of your closet, for whatever reason, and it made Will mad; I didn't care that much. The toys had been substituted lately by the premises of adolescence, magazines and video games, though some little cars could still be found easily; just in case you felt like going back to some younger games. You were eleven years old, just halfway between the dreadful teenage years and the innocence and carefree attitude of childhood; searching for references coming from those two different worlds. I stopped in the middle of the room.

"Liam?"

Romeo came to rub its body against my ankles before heading towards your lap. You took the cat in your arms and began to caress its back softly.

"Liam, honey, look at me."

I couldn't help but gasp when I saw your swollen lip and the bruise on your chin. Instinctively I sat down next to you and checked your injuries with more attention but you pushed me away and shuddered.

"It's okay, I'm fine. Don't be worried."

"What happened?"

You looked down and turned your back at me, staring at the wall in front of you. You look a lot like Will when it comes to express your pain, your problems. As much as you trust the people around you, you keep everything for yourself and wait patiently for a self-relief. You don't like relying on the others; it makes you think you're weak. I used to be like that once too. I grabbed a magazine and started playing absent-mindedly with the cover.

"Liam… You know that anyway I'll end up learning the whole story and if it's not from you it will be from the school so…"

"It's nothing, mum."

"Since when fighting with someone is nothing? Especially coming from you, you're far from being the trouble guy."

"Well maybe I changed."

Your lack of cooperation let me a bit disarmed. It was the first time you completely refused my help and I had been caught up by surprise, not knowing what to do. After a minute of silence I stood up and left the room, then came back with granules in my hand.

"Take that. It's Arnica. It will make your bruise disappear a bit quicker."

I looked at you grabbing the homeopathy and headed back towards the door.

"It's Sam Johnson, a guy from Tenth Grade."

I turned and realized you were vaguely blushing, your gaze avoiding my eyes. I had absolutely no idea who this Sam was but I remained quiet.

"He… Well he said that you were…"

I raised my eyebrows, astonished by the fact the whole story seemed to be about me.

"Well he said that you were hot… And other stuff too."

I couldn't help but smile; not only because a fourteen-year-old boy found me attractive but because you had defended my honour no mattered you were definitely younger and so shorter than the other one. I didn't feel the need to tell you about violence this time because you already knew what I did think about that. I simply came closer to you and took your hand, smiling at you.

"Come on, Liam, the hottie offers you a snack."

You rolled your eyes and stood up, following me.

"You're not hot."

I turned and looked at you, a mock of horror on my face.

"Hey! You're my mum! You're not supposed to be hot!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I stepped out the shower and wrapped a bath towel around me, heading for the bedroom. It was a Sunday morning and a couple of hours later we were supposed to attend Grace's birthday in Brooklyn where she still lived by then. The day before I had gone shopping with Jack, coming back in the evening with a new dress and matching underwear, bought, of course, for the weekend event. I opened my closet and was about to grab my latest acquisition when I realized it wasn't there anymore. I frowned and began to rummage around, growling against my lack of neat freakness.

"What's happening, Kare?"

Will had just come in to make the bed though seeing how half of my body was lost in a closet, throwing over my shoulders all kind of underwear, he had stopped immediately and was now looking at me a bit confused. I sighed and turned around to face him, shuddering.

"You mean what's happening to my bras! I lost another one."

For quite a while yet I had noticed the disappearance of several of them but too lazy to check in the basket of the bathroom or among the pile of clothes freshly taken out the washing machine, I had let it go pretty easily, mentioning it to Will a couple of times.

"Again?"

"Yes, the new one." I turned back to the closet, scanning all the shelves one by one. "I don't understand, I'm sure I put it there last night. Did you take it?"

Will laughed. "What for?"

Good point.

"Perhaps it's Liam."

I turned and looked at Will, horrified. "Why would he do that?"

"He's almost twelve…"

I shivered uncontrollably and tried to get rid of the extremely disturbing oeudipian idea that my son could have a "hormone party" thanks to my lingerie, especially since I knew he was still not hiding some magazines under his mattress; for having checked. By curiosity.

I sighed and, resigned, put on another bra as Will was giving me one of those long monologues about puberty and how things used to be, whether we liked them or not. We finally made our way out until the living where the breakfast was waiting for the whole family.

"Jude! Liam! Lou!"

I sat down at the table and began to eat as Jude and Liam arrived almost immediately, joining Will and I for the morning meal. Noticing your absence I frowned and looked at your brother.

"Where is Lou?"

Liam shuddered. "I don't know."

"Lou! What are you doing? We're having breakfast! Hurry up, honey!"

I never saw such a perfect synchronization. I had grabbed my glass of orange juice and I could feel the drink sliding along my throat when you finally came in and sat down with us, making me chock on my beverage.

"Good morning everyone."

You were smiling peacefully at the four faces looking at you in disbelief. Liam began to laugh uncontrollably while Will had literally frozen, unaware of the fact his mouth was wide open. Jude didn't seem to have noticed anything or at least didn't seem to care that much finally and for my part I was coughing loudly, trying to get back my breath in spite of the orange juice trapped into the wrong canal of my throat. We had left you the night before with the anatomy of an eleven-year-old girl and that morning you were proudly wearing a very impressive Kleenex-36C chest. Will finally turned towards me, his face betraying an amused but troubled state. He leaned over me and murmured.

"I guess we found back your bras."

I bit the inside of my mouth to prevent from laughing and managed to fix my eyes on your father.

"What are we supposed to do, Karen?"

I frowned and shuddered, lost. I had absolutely no idea.

"Well… Let just see what happens."

We let you with this 36C the whole day and that's why on the pictures of Grace's birthday you wear an impressive low-cut that is nowhere to be seen throughout the rest of the year album. You finally decided by yourself to come back to your natural forms after having realized how running and playing with such an artificial chest wasn't useful at all. However you never looked so much like me than on those photos, honey.


	15. Getting into troubles

_**Year twelve.**_

"Tell me about your first love."

I sat further onto the pillows of the bed and began to comb your hair. It was very long when you were twelve, some dark curls caressing softly your lower back. You looked like a hippy somehow; or you just looked like me when I was your age. I loved these moments when there were only the both of us, the hairbrush passing slowly through your hair as our conversations were more and more intimate. You had stopped talking about the little playground tragedies to concentrate on wonders typical from adolescence and this is when I realized how lucky I was to have a daughter with whom to share all those stories. 

"His name was Will…"

"Oh, come on!"

You leaned your head backwards and narrowed your eyes to me. I simply kissed your forehead, smiling, before coming back to your hair. You were turning your back at me, looking dreamingly at the wall of my bedroom; rocked by my confessions and the evidence that I had been a teenager too, once, as surprising as it could be.

"You know that I never graduated from college…"

"Hum."

"Well, during my junior year, I met a guy named Paul. He was a senior and all the girls had a crush on him."

"What did he look like? He had dark hair, like dad, right? You have a thing for dark-haired men."

I couldn't help but laugh under your cute and, I have to confess it, true, statement. "Yes he had; and green eyes. He was tall and extremely good-looking. He studied philosophy and was the perfect symbol of the intellectual guy, you know; the glasses and the books."

"Ew…"

"Hey! I told you everyone thought he was cute! Anyway, believe me or not but as soon as I happened to meet him on the campus, an awful fear paralyzed me and I didn't even dare to speak to him. If only you knew how many nights I spent crying in the dark of my room, thinking he would never notice me."

"But he did."

"Yes… Somehow. One day I was at the library, working on some essay, and he sat down next to me. I smiled at him but immediately came back to my research, ashamed of my ridiculous behaviour. Since when do we smile at someone who doesn't even know you? After a couple of minutes a sheet of paper came to rest over some reproductions, I was studying History of Arts, and my heart literally stopped beating when I read the note. He was asking for a date. I didn't even look at him, just wrote back on the secret missive and later in the evening, we were having a drink together. We started hanging out until we kissed and I became his official girl friend."

"Did you sleep with him?"

I stopped subconsciously brushing your hair, taken aback by your unexpected question. As long as I knew a twelve-year-old girl didn't speak that much about sex; not yet. I looked down for a few seconds but very soon came back to your head; almost automatically.

"Yes I did."

"What happened next?"

"He proposed me, we got engaged. At the end of the year he decided to move to New York so of course I followed him but things didn't turn out that good and we never got married."

"Why? Did he cheat on you?"

I bit my lip. Involuntarily you had plunged me back into some painful memories that even time hadn't managed to erase, feeling how the tears were asking for running on my cheeks.

"No. He got me into troubles."

"Do you know where he is, now?"

I put down the hairbrush and kissed your head as a sign the session was over.

"Probably still in jail."

I couldn't say even now how you took my last sentence because I didn't dare to move or look at you. I know you stayed still; quiet. Then all of a sudden you turned to face me, hugging me tight.

"Okay… Next time I'll let you tell me about the bridge story."

I admire you, Lou; for your courage and the strength of your acts, your decisions. You were only twelve though in front of my weakness, you never insisted and let your curiosity aside. You knew it was better for me and maybe for you too as a matter of fact.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

One more time it happened by accident, I swear it. For some blurry reasons Will's computer didn't stop freezing and, annoyed by the constant malfunction, I decided to use yours. After all I had paid for it so I had some rights on your laptop. I entered your room and sat at your desk. You were still at school, which meant if I were fast, you wouldn't even come to know that I had done some research for our next vacations to Venice on your computer. I turned on the machine, entered your extremely-easy-to-find password and went on the Web. I was checking some hotels when a new window opened suddenly in the middle of the screen.

"supermanDavid: hey, you're online strongLiam? Just to let you know I got the false IDs so it's okay for Saturday. Keep your ass clean for our tattoo-trip in The Bronx."

I firstly sighed and rolled my eyes in front of the stupidity of your nicknames. That was so typical from teenage boys to spread out their virile hormones to the whole world when they were still far from seeing the day they would shave for the first time that I couldn't help but laugh. David your best friend was shorter and slimmer than Lou and as much as I love you honey, you weren't that different. Then, very slowly, my brain got conscious of the text and I shook my head, angry with the vulgar words you could use when I wasn't around. "Keep your ass clean"? Who had taught you about that? Certainly not me! 

Call me slow-girl if you want though it's only when I realized the meaning of the message. Bronx, tattoo, false IDs equal to big troubles for your "clean ass". Perhaps I shouldn't have replied though as your mother, I needed to learn more about your little adventure out of Manhattan. Pushing aside the fact David was supposed to be in class with you at this exact moment but obviously wasn't, I took a deep breath and typed furiously.

"strongLiam: so you chose your tattoo?"

"supermanDavid: not yet, I still have to study miss November's advantages in Playboy. Btw, you were right, July is hot!"

At that point I was already feeling the beginning of my imminent death, probably a heart attack. 

"supermanDavid: and you? Still boob-focused?"

Breathing louder and louder as the seconds were passing by, I decided I had learned enough to get to plan B.

"strongLiam: hell, guess who's coming. Gotta go."

"supermanDavid: ah… Mummy's back? Shit… Though what does she know about computers? They were still using cds bigger than a pizza when she was young. Bye"

I closed my eyes and instinctively, came back to my Lamaze exercises to prevent from letting my rage going out too loudly. So now I was a mummy? I stood up and made my way out of your room, rushing to the door for some shopping; cellphone in hand to warn your father, Ramses, of the coming events in the Truman family. 

"Mum! Dinner's ready!"

A last look in the mirror of my bedroom and I smiled devilishly before heading out for a game Karen vs Liam. The atmosphere seemed to be friendly that evening and I will always remember the way Jude, Lou and you stopped laughing when I finally appeared. I don't know if your frozen and worried gaze was caused by my outfit: black leather short pants, hairnet pantihose, twelve-inch-high heels, wonder bra with transparent tight-shirt or the piercings I was wearing on my nose and ears. Personally I had a thing for the tattoo we could guess on my chest but then it's all personal. 

"Hi mates…"

I winced at you while chewing loudly a chewing-gum then grabbed savagely Will, making out with him roughly. Breaking apart I passed a hand through his hair and took off his lips the purple lipstick that our kiss had printed grossly. I sat down at the table, regretting to not have a cam to film your appalled faces. Will gave me a beer; I drank it right from the bottle and looked at you.

"Wanna some?"

Still speechless you shook your head before clearing your voice nervously. 

"Mum? Is that you?"

I turned and faced Jude, smiling.

"Sure, hun! Who do you think I am? Oh by the way…" I stood up and planted my leg on the table, taking up my short pants. "What do you think about my new tattoo, guys? I got it in The Bronx, today. If you fancy one, I can get you false IDs. Who gives a shit to the law? No offense, babe." I looked at Will and gave him a flying kiss. "So anyone interested? Jude? Lou?" I turned and plunged my eyes in yours. "strongLiam?" 

You looked down immediately, blushing. Very slowly you shook your head. You know me though, so I persisted. 

"Sure? You'd get a fucking ass then though! Look how it's good on mine, Liam." I turned around and began to unzip my short pants, letting my thong clearly appear as I was slowly moving down my clothes but I stopped when you began to scream.

"No, it's okay! We got it! I got it! I got it! No need to see more, really." I turned back and looked at you, raising my eyebrows in a convincing surprised attitude. You were still looking down at the table though your hand was serving as a shield to prevent from seeing some parts of my anatomy. I straddled Will's lap and shuddered, picking some food from your plate.

"Chicken!"

A simple phone call to David's parents later in the evening and your trip to The Bronx was already a part of some teenager's fantasies reduced to absolutely nothing. We didn't clearly speak about it; what for? I think you had got it pretty easily. 

Karen 1- Liam 0


	16. All we need is love

_**Author's note: thank you, Miss Harrods...**_

__

_**Year thirteen.**_

"Oh my god!"

The unexpected shriek coming from Lou's throat made me jump off Will's arms as we were both watching a movie on television. As usual, the time that separated my reaction from the sequels to such a scream was fine, almost inexistent and so very soon Lou rushed into the living room, running. She was holding a sheet of paper that you obviously wanted back seeing how fast you joined your sister in the room.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

"Damn, Lou! Give that to me!"

Will stopped you as I made my way to the hysterical thirteen-year-old girl.

"What's happening here?"

I grabbed the paper and read the note. "Rebecca on Saturday; 3pm." I looked blankly at the message, my brain trying to scan the information I had just been given though I still didn't get where the situation had some interest. I had recognized your writing immediately and Rebecca being your music classmate at The Juilliard School, I was missing the point of Lou's shrieks. You used to see her a lot on Saturday.

"What is it, Karen?"

I shuddered and gave the paper to Will. "I don't know."

Lou giggled. "Liam has a date!"

"I don't!"

We all know how your sister has a tendency to emphasize the slightest detail she can find but when I saw you looking down, blushing, I couldn't help but gasp; my hand on my mouth.

"Oh my god it's true!" I restrained myself and the urge to hug you very tight, bursting into tears because my little baby had a girl friend. After a couple of seconds the adult I am finally managed to control her irrepressible feelings. I sent Lou back to her bedroom, warning her that it was none of her business and, smiling at Will, I sat on the edge of the sofa. 

"Hey it's okay, Liam, you know. Rebecca is a very sweet girl…"

Still looking down, ashamed as ever, you simply growled; dancing on your feet.

"Now if you think you're old enough to go on a date, I respect your choice though remember it means you're asking for responsibilities that you hadn't wanted until now. I trust you, Liam, so please, don't disappoint me and enjoy it."

I cleared my voice and left the room. If you needed someone to talk with now I knew it had to be with Will; not me.

Saturday afternoon arrived and to my highest regret, you established some very strict rules that we promised to accept like not being on your back or making you feel ashamed. Anyway you would meet her right after your cello lesson so we weren't supposed to be there, as strong as our curiosity could be. To be completely honest we may have seen the two of you at one moment… At The Lincoln Center… But not because we were spying or stalking you! No… There was just a very interesting exhibition out there at this exact moment. I remember we stared at you crossing the street; holding her hand. For a few seconds I thought about the day I couldn't witness that anymore because I would be dead. I hate the passing of time, it always hits our faces without any warning and then we feel lonely; fragile.

"She's pretty." Will passed his arm around my shoulders and kissed my temple in a comforting motion.

I looked down and sighed. "Oh come on, Will! Duh… Small wonder why he dates her! Have you seen her breasts? This girl seems to be like 16 years old!"

…………………………………………………………………………………………………...

We temporarily said good-bye to two of our children though very soon a whole team of teenagers invaded the flat without either of us noticing it, giggles and little shrieks giving rhythm to your slumber party. When Liam had learned the news he had immediately packed his things, ready for a weekend with his grandparents, and even if Jude's presence didn't seem to stir up enthusiasm deep inside his heart, he came to the conclusion it was still better than a weekend in the company of your friends. As a matter of fact the most difficult person to get rid of was Jack, all happy to have nail varnish sessions and phone calls to the football players of the school but we happened to get your party right during his gay cruise through The Pacific and so everything went perfectly fine.

Spending most of our time in the kitchen preparing sundaes, pizzas and cocktails for hungry and hysterical teenagers, those two days seemed to last a bit too long for your father and I, although it's also when I realized all the things I had done with Will until now. It may sound stupid or ridiculous but as we were looking for the right dose of whipped cream for your banana splits, it all appeared clearly to me; like an evidence too old for anyone to have noticed before. I spent more time with Will as his lover now than as his friend. However our friendship is still a point of reference to me and that day, I almost got surprised when the fact we were married and had children hit my mind. We were a family altogether and this concept being so natural to me that I had actually not really noticed it had determined all our lives. I loved it though and will always do. I'm so proud of us.

I was carrying a whole tray of candies when something got broken all of a sudden. My hand was already on the door, ready to push it in open for me to come in and gave you the snack when I heard the conversation you were having.

"So truth or dare, Lou?"

"Hum… Truth!"

I couldn't help but smile, remembering that time when I was part of this game too; before I grew up and got to face a harsh reality, keeping me away from those innocent things and then I lost the magic of it.

"So is Julian a good kisser?"

"I wouldn't make out with him if he weren't, honey!"

The giggles coming from your bedroom vaguely reached my ears but I felt like time had been suspended, at the same time as my heartbeats. I was cold; dead. I don't know how long I stayed in front of the door, the tray in hands, unable to move. I was looking blankly at the corridor, perfectly still. I shook my head and came back to reality when Romeo rubbed itself against my ankles. Almost automatically I rushed back to the living room and put down the tray on the table, troubled. I didn't stop and headed to my bedroom under Will's confused gaze. I took off my clothes and finally started breathing again when the hot water ran on my skin. I closed my eyes.

"Karen? What are you doing?"

I didn't turn or look at Will, just stayed as I was, trying to deal with everything and nothing at the same time.

"I'm having a shower." My voice was neutral, so blank.

"In the middle of the afternoon?"

"Why not?"

"Are you okay?"

"… No…"

It was too much; I burst into tears. Will turned off the water and wrapped me in a towel, hugging me tight. I let his caresses on my back rock me peacefully and ease my cries.

"Karen you're scaring me…"

I swallowed hard and finally looked at him, smiling bitterly. "Lou has a boy friend. They already kissed. Or made out, to be more precise." I shook my head. "She didn't tell me about it…"

It's not your fault honey though it broke my heart. For the very first time I felt like I had been left aside and you hadn't wanted to share with me such an important moment of your life. I had lost your trust somehow and it made me mad. 

"Oh Kare…"

Will tightened his embrace, the heat of his comfort passing underneath my skin and reaching my heart.

"Don't be sad, Karen. You're her mother, sweetie; not her friend."

"I know…"

I observed you quietly the next morning as we were having breakfast. You had grown up without me noticing it. I still loved you though; I still loved you more than anything. 


	17. Ma il amore, corrupzione

_**Thank you, Miss H.**_

……………………………………………………………__

_**Year fourteen.**_

We gave our agreement and within a month I became a specialist of Italy, reading all the books and magazines I could find about this country. I had previously gone there a couple of times, once with Will, so I wasn't completely unaware of its history. Unfortunately I also knew about the Italian men's fame and it caused me some sleepless nights a week before you were leaving. You had just turned fourteen years old; your hormones were in ebullition as soon as a guy was mentioned so how would you resist the charms of Marco and his _amicci_? I tried to ignore this extremely troubling part of your school trip and focused on the most important: the time I still had to spend with you before your plane took off.

I often wonder why our children love sport. I have absolutely nothing against it though seeing how Will and I tend to avoid it as much as we can; the reasons of your affection for this kind of activity remain blurry to me. One more time I pushed aside my reluctant lack of addiction to swearing and I went running with you, or better said, after you. It was the first time that one of my children would be so far from all of us and the only way I had found how to deal with it was spending an impressive amount of time in your company; which meant your Sunday morning jogging. You have been so sweet by then, slowing down and pretending I was doing great just to warm me up. I don't know a lot of teenagers who would do that for their mothers, Lou. You made me proud of you.

"Break! Break!"

I looked at you and stopped running, breathless. The wind was icy and it burnt my lungs as soon as the air penetrated my body. I swallowed hard and leaned against a bench. For once we had changed our course and were heading to Brooklyn but while crossing the bridge my legs had decided I had had enough for that day. You smiled in front of my imminent heart attack then sat down next to me, sighing dreamingly.

"Ah… Karen…"

I laughed and stared at you in disbelief. "Since when do you call me Karen, honey?"

"Oh I don't… I just like the way dad says it."

You looked down, smiling evasively. You would leave in the evening, for two weeks. I knew you were thrilled to be far from your parents for such a long time, enjoying your friends' presence but you were also aware of the fact you would miss us; and vice-versa. I leaned my head on your shoulder and closed my eyes.

"You can call at any time…"

You sent a postcard and called twice, just twice. The sweet sound of your voice fed the beats of my heart and the brightness of my smiles and one day, you finally came back. After a hysterical summary of your Italian adventures over breakfast with the whole family, you went to have a shower. We hadn't seen you for fourteen days and while observing you speaking and moving around, I couldn't help but think you had changed a lot suddenly. I smiled at Will as you were disappearing towards the bathroom then passed an arm around your father's waist and leaned on his chest.

"Have you noticed it, Will? She didn't mention any Marco."

I was smiling inanely when the phone rang. I picked it up.

"Yes?"

"Pronto! Vorrei parlare con Lou, per favore. Sono Marco."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I was laid down on my bed, watching television absent-mindedly, when Will came next to me, passing his leg over mine and kissing my hair softly.

"You're okay?"

It was a smooth and quiet afternoon of February. Jude was with Grace and Lily while Lou was hanging out with some of her friends. For once I could rest, far from the little dramas that seemed to rock our lives for quite a while, now. I turned around to face your father and nodded.

"Yeah… Just a bit tired."

The temptation being too strong, I leaned over and kissed Will but the rare peaceful atmosphere of the flat only led us to go further and to not break apart until your voice made me jump and put an end immediately to our increasing intimacy and boldness.

"Oh god, do you ever think about something else?"

Resting on my back I opened my eyes and looked at you, Will rolling on aside and picking up some book. You were standing on the doorframe, your hands lost in the pockets of your baggy pants, smirking. I smiled at you.

"Hi honey. What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to go to the movies with Rebecca."

"Becky's father got other plans."

Becky… You called her Becky… I looked at the ceiling and smiled under the cuteness of a word that probably belonged to the most natural sense to you. She had been your girl friend for over a year now, it was getting serious; we would have to talk about it someday, more or less soon.

"Mom… Can I talk to you?"

Caught up by surprise, Will and I looked up at you. It was so rare when you asked for such a thing, and even more with me, that for one second I thought the "Rebecca talk" maybe came too late as a matter of fact. I turned around and leaned on my elbows, nodding.

"Sure honey, come here."

I patted the bed as Will made his way out of the room but you didn't move, a mock of horror on your face.

"Mom… Do you really think I'm going to sit down right… There… While a minute ago you were having your way with dad at this exact same place? Why, no thanks!"

"I wasn't having my way with your father! Well… Not yet."

"Ew…"

I laughed and rolled my eyes before getting back to some seriousness. "Honey… We did change this mattress but it was like six years ago and you already sat down on it a thousand of times since then. I'm afraid to tell you that Will and I aren't monks or something so… We do have sex."

You raised your eyebrows and nodded. "Yeah well, we all got it, don't be worried."

You finally sat down next to me while your last sentence had left me a bit confused, vaguely ashamed. What did you mean by the fact you all had got it? As much as sex wasn't a taboo here, I hoped you didn't have to suffer from the promiscuity and the lack of thick walls or something. It would be extremely embarrassing for everyone. I cleared my voice nervously, trying to push away the doubts that had invaded my mind and stared at you.

"What's happening, Liam?"

"Okay so… I may have failed a math exam… And you may get a call from the school."

"Why would I get a call? Just because you failed?"

"Because I cheated."

"Oh… I see."

I stared at your hands for a few seconds, unable to say anything. Your confession had surprised me a lot. A part of me was angry with you for having cheated but your sincerity towards me tended to soften my feelings; a lot as a matter of fact. Was it pure responsibility that had pushed you to confess your mistake or weren't you telling me the whole story?

"Why did you do that? You're far from being stupid, you know that cheating is not the right solution. We all happen to fail from time to time, it's okay. We wouldn't have been mad at you for that. Besides if you have some difficulties in math, ask your father. He's pretty good at it."

"I know. It's just that the cool guys are always the ones who cheat. I wanna be cool too."

"Oh Liam…" I rolled on my back and sighed loudly while looking at the ceiling. "Why do you think you're not cool? Did anyone tell you that?"

You shook your head.

"You can be a cool guy and have great marks at the same time, you know. Getting success is far from being shameful to me!"

"I know… I've been stupid and now Becky is furious. What should I do?"

There we were. At last I knew why you had wanted to speak to me and not to your father. You needed a woman's advice.

"Well honey you see… It looks like you're going to be broke for Valentine's Day because cheating at school reduced your pocket money to an absolute zero. Anyway, and I'm talking seriously, even the biggest diamond on earth wouldn't resolve anything. You simply have to tell her the truth, honey. You have to be sincere. A relationship can't work if you keep on lying. Women need to be reassured and comforted so there's nothing better than sincerity. And then Rebecca will realize what kind of idiot she's dating."

I smiled at you as you nodded and finally stood up. You were leaving the room when I rolled on my stomach and narrowed my eyes at you.

"Liam… You can add a convincing _I love you_ in your explanation. If it comes from your heart, Rebecca will forgive you and even reward you if she's enough stupid."

You raised your eyebrows and nodded. "Yeah… Thank you mom and… I'm sorry."

"No Liam. Be sorry for yourself. This is your life, not mine. Ruin it if you want… But try to remember that, honey: taking care of it is way more pleasant."


	18. Unexpected ways

_**Grazzie mille, miss H.**_

__

_**Year fifteen.**_

"Chips? Dove bars? Ben and Jerry's? Coke?"

A quick check and I nodded, sitting down on Will's lap as you made your way, along with Lou to us for our Tuesday chats. I don't remember when exactly we started these discussions but I know I'm going to miss them a lot when you leave; gorging myself with junk food isn't that funny if I have nobody to share it with. The sessions never began before 9pm or so when Will came back from Jude's bedroom and told us she was sleeping. There was absolutely no discrimination, your sister also had her moments of intimacy and complicity with us though, what the matter of her age, we had decided to do it on separate days. Once your father appeared in the living room, a whole ceremony could start and we took from the fridge and the freezer this wonderfully greasy food before heading to the coffee table and sitting down. For some obscure reasons Lou and you always rested on the floor, adopting weird positions that most of the times defied gravity while Will and I took possession of the sofa for the smooth evening. I picked up a Dove bar and laid down on your father.

"So, how about your projects for the art week at school?"

Lou sighed.

"I think I'm going to audition for Cabaret… I don't know which part."

I scoffed.

"What do you mean "which part"? You have to audition for Sally Bowles! What do you want to play? A glass of martini? Lou, you..."

"Karen…"

"What Will? Wouldn't she be awesome as Sally Bowles?"

Your father sighed and laid down behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Yes she would though I just want her to be happy, whatever her role is."

I rolled my eyes and gulped down some chips. Will is such a party pooper sometimes. I finally gave up the subject, then looked at you.

"And you, Liam? What are you going to do?"

Feet in the air, your back against the floor, you stared at the ceiling dreamingly; biting your lower lip.

"Photography I guess… Yeah… Photography…"

As we had just put an end to our talk a couple of hours later and that Lou and you were heading towards your bedroom, my fingertips caressed the coffee table a few inches away from me. You hadn't stopped moving during the whole conversation while your father and I had stayed perfectly still in each other's arms; tired or just old, take your pick. Looking at the ruins of junk food I sighed heavily.

"Will…"

"Hum?"

"We should definitely stop those talks, honey."

"Why?"

"Look at the bowl… I ate all the chips."

During the next month we asked you occasionally about your art work, just to keep in touch with your own existences. Lou had got the role of Sally Bowles, to my highest relief, and you began to wander around with an old camera in your hands, increasing day after day my curiosity about the object of your choices. I never saw you taking any pictures; you only told me once it would be a series of black and white portraits and your words remained evasive until the day of the exhibition. The musical would be performed in the evening so all the other projects had been planned all along the previous afternoon. Politely we got a glance at every single one before reaching at last, the photography workshop. Most of the pupils seemed to have preferred pictures in colours and only two walls had been given to the black and white ones. After a couple of minutes I finally made my way to them, looking forward to seeing yours. I frowned while looking at the first one. A dog? You had taken pictures of a dog? Very soon I noticed the little comment next to the photos and couldn't help but sigh, relieved. Yours were on the other wall. Honestly, why would you have taken a picture of a dog while we had a cat? It didn't make sense at all. 

The first one I saw is the picture hung up next to the fireplace, at home. I remember I was turning around but froze all of a sudden when I looked up at it, unable to hide my surprise. Frowning I got a quick glance at all the other ones and gasped. 

"What…?"

They were all about Will and I; some black and white photos taken in the fugacity of our life, emphasizing the freshness of our smiles and the purity of our feelings; following the movements of our bodies and the beats of our hearts. Very slowly I contemplated every single picture; the mirror of my love for Will. You had managed to catch up the lightness of the instant and the magic of the unexpected. I couldn't help but smile while looking at the last one: Will was behind me, his arms around my waist as my hands were resting on his forearms. Leaning my head backwards against his chest, I was looking down dreamingly while he was murmuring softly into my ear. When had you taken that? I didn't even remember this moment… But to be honest, the first picture is my favourite one: I'm sat on my bed, putting on some nail varnish on my toes. The scene probably takes place in the morning because I'm wearing a satin nightgown. I love how one of the straps is falling on my shoulder while I smile at Will, sat next to me. I look at him in the eyes and for one moment, I seem to forget all the rest. There's just Will and I.

Coming back to reality after this unexpected series of portraits, I looked for your name in the flyer I had been given. _"Love in The Upper West Side; portraits by Liam Truman"._ I vaguely jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and looked at Will, smiling inanely.

"So do you like them?"

Coming from nowhere you made your way to us, a bit shy. We stayed still a few seconds until your gaze crossed mine and you sighed, resigned.

"Okay, mom… Come here."

I kissed your cheek and got lost in your arms. "Thank you so much Liam…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

What we were doing in the dark, your father and I, on the couch of the television area that night is none of your business but your conscious will lead you to the truth and a mock of disgust on your face, you will be about to tell me how wrong my intimacy with Will is. We froze all of a sudden when we heard the door got opened, afraid Liam and you could walk in on us at any moment. You had been invited at some party with your brother and were supposed to come back home at 2am. Instinctively I looked at the DVR and couldn't help but be impressed when I realized you were on time. Of course I wasn't at all prepared for the rest. You came in quietly but didn't turn the lights on. For a few seconds everything went perfectly fine until you began to giggle hysterically and I realized Liam was holding you very tight to prevent you from losing your balance. What was happening? 

You may have not known Karen Walker, honey, but let me tell you something: alcohol has no secret for me.

"Damn Lou, shut up! You're gonna wake them up! Gosh you're so drunk…"

Just in case we wouldn't have interpreted your odd behaviour correctly, your brother made it clear for us and as you were both heading towards your bedrooms, I stopped Will before he turned the lights on and we got you. I leaned up and whispered quietly into his ear that I always had a plan B. Which is certain though is that the drunk state of our fifteen-year-old daughter had broken the spell of our night. We simply went to bed, speechless under the icy shower we had just got.

We left you alone, resting, the next morning and until Wednesday, nothing happened. As a matter of fact I had fed my happiness with your incredible hangover all along Sunday, getting my plan ready to hit you at the most unexpected moment. Around 6pm you finally came back with your brother and, a devilish smile on my lips, I started having fun on my way. 

"Hi Lou, Liam! How are you? Ready to play with us? Your father's here and Jude would like the whole family share some time together so… Let's go?"

A bit surprised, you finally shuddered then nodded. Will and Jude sat down at the table, Monopoly in hands. I made a face.

"Monopoly? It's so boring… How about a new game, guys?"

I left the kitchen and joined you at the table, holding a bottle of whisky. Of course I noticed immediately the glance you exchanged with your brother but didn't say a word, just smiled at your astonished face.

"Come on it's fun! Booze is fun! Hum… How about A to Z of alcohol? Everybody knows about it? Jude?"

You couldn't help but gasp when you realized that your little sister was about to get drunk under my encouragements. Jude simply nodded to me.

"Yes mom! Sure I do!"

"Mom… We… We can't play…"

I looked at you in disbelief.

"What? It's okay! It's just a game… Come on let's go!... Atlanta!"

Will played along. "Boston!"

"Chicago!" Jude screamed hysterically the name of the city, so proud to have passed the first round without failing.

"Euh… Denver." Liam was obviously as overwhelmed as you.

"Eastchester…" Your voice was almost inaudible. I looked down and bit the inside of my mouth to restrain a laugh.

"Forest Hills!"

"Greenwood…"

Jude's new turn arrived though this time she frowned and looked down. "Euh… H… Euh…"

"You lost!" I poured some whisky in a glass and held it to your sister looking at you, astonished, when you screamed.

"Damn no! She's only eleven!"

I shuddered. "Well and so what? She lost! She has to drink."

All the faces turned towards Jude as she gulped down the glass under your horrified face. Very quickly I looked at Liam and nodded; the game had to go on.

"I… I…" Your brother was in shock, looking in disbelief at Jude and the glass resting in front of her, empty. "Indian Wells."

"Mom we should stop…"

"Lou it's your turn. Come on, we're having fun! Hurry up!"

"J… J…"

"Ding! And we have another loser!" I repeated the gesture and gave you the glass, ignoring your disgusted face as you looked at it. Your hangover was still fresh in your mind and the mere sight of alcohol seemed to turn your fragile stomach upside down. With shaking hands you grabbed the glass and closed your eyes as you gulped it down. Within a second you looked at your father and I, confused.

"It's apple juice…?"

For the very first time I gave up my friendly face and got a very colder one.

"No? Really? How weird… Because it's so normal that a fifteen-year-old teenager comes back home drunk on Saturday night…"

The discussion we had then is probably the most painful I ever lived though as I told you, Lou: when it comes to alcohol, you can't make a fool of me.


	19. I will always be here

_**Merci miss H **_

_**Year sixteen.**_

"Grace Adler designs…"

I remember it was raining because it's all what I heard behind me; the sound of the water hitting the windows as the headmaster was talking to me. There must be an automatism or something because I know I stopped breathing; an icy blood kept on reaching my heart though and that's why I remained alive, almost by instinct somehow. Seeing my livid face Grace understood immediately that something had happened. She rushed to me but patiently waited the end of the call.

"What happened Karen?"

Unaware of the fact I was still holding the receiver, I looked at her blankly.

"I… I have to go, Grace. I'm sorry…"

I stood up and began to grab my coat, then my purse.

"Karen! Tell me what's happening!"

"It's… It's Emma…"

I was looking down and turning around, unable to take the least decision about anything. My voice was a whisper that only reflected the extreme confusion of my mind. Grace frowned, a bit lost. Of course she knew that Emma had been your best friend since the first day of kindergarten and you both hadn't spent a day without calling each other but she couldn't manage to give an explanation to my odd behaviour.

"What happened to Emma?"

I finally looked up and stayed still, the information setting in for the very first time, the harsh shade of reality. 

"She's dead."

The journey until I got to your school seemed to last an eternity. I called Will, looking at the streets speeding past in front of me. It's when I realized how this world could be unfair; life went on for most of the people, no matter a sixteen-year-old girl had ceased to breathe the exact morning; a shot in the head. The building finally appeared and I rushed out of the cab but stopped all of a sudden. I just wanted to hold you tight though how about the rest? How was I supposed to deal with your pain? I made my way inside the high school, dreading your reactions. You had witnessed the scene, everything; from the shotgun and a car passing fast in the street to the paramedics who left with a dead body. It could have been you, Lou; though this time it happened to be Emma.

You went to bed and I stayed with you the whole afternoon, caressing your hair softly as my legs, intertwined with yours, trying to warm up your heart and ease your cries. You didn't feel like speaking so I respected your silences and it's only when we came back from the funeral, three days later, that you finally opened your mouth.

"I don't want to die…"

I sat down next to you on the bed and looked blankly at the floor.

"Good honey because neither do I."

You smiled and laid down on my lap, asking quietly that I caressed your hair in a relieving motion which I did immediately.

"I miss her, mom… I miss her a lot."

"It's normal, Lou. Emma meant so much to you. She still does and will always do, you know. She's not here anymore, that's true, though I'm sure you keep a very special place for her in your heart, don't you?"

"I'm scared… It could have been me… And I don't want to leave now."

You sat up and plunged your eyes in mine.

"I can't go away without saying good-bye and telling you how I love you, mom. I can't do that."

I took you in my arms and hugged you very tight. 

"I love you too, Lou. I will always do."

"Hi Karen!"

I looked up and smiled.

"Hi, Rebecca!"

Being in the middle of some nail varnish session with Grace, I let you go to you room, noticing how you were holding your girl friend's hand all along; it was cute. Apparently Grace saw it too.

"Jeez… They've been together for quite a while, now."

"Yes, two and a half years or so. Well, they broke up a couple of times but they always come back in each other's arms."

"Do you think…?"

I shuddered and looked up for a few seconds.

"I don't know… Somehow it would be logical but Liam being so quiet about his life… I have absolutely no idea. He didn't say anything to Will… Perhaps to Lou, they're really close."

"They're twins!"

"Yeah… I'm just afraid a little talk with his mom would make him extremely uncomfortable. I don't know…"

"Thank god I have a girl!"

"And a shared custody… By the way, how is Leo?"

"Getting married."

"What?!"

Later in the evening, I took a deep breath and knocked at the door of your bedroom. I came in shyly, looking at your traditional mess. Some posters had been hung on the walls though the main activity was happening on the floor, between thousands of books, CDs and Lord knows what else. You smiled at me and turned around on your desk chair.

"Yes?"

I pushed aside a pile of clothes and sat on the bed.

"How are you?" I bit the inside of my mouth for such a ridiculous introduction. I sucked.

"I'm okay… And you?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Good…"

"Yes…"

After a very long minute of silence I sighed and looked at you.

"Liam, I… Well… I don't know how… Hum… The truth is that hum… Well, actually I… Hum… Damn I'm not very comfortable all of a sudden… Hum…"

"What's happening, mom? Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes I am. How… How is Rebecca? How are things going with her?"

"It's fine, it's perfectly fine."

I nodded.

"That's great, honey. It's important, you know. Do… Do you love her?"

"Why, yes I do. She's… She's awesome."

"Honey I just… I just hope you're being responsible when you… When you are with your girl friend… You see what I mean?"

I was subconsciously nodding, trying to encourage you towards an affirmative answer and so I wouldn't have to go into further explanations. For a couple of seconds you frowned but blushed all of a sudden.

"Oh that… Hum… Well… Yeah, yeah… I am."

Of course this kind of confession only led you to look down and avoid my gaze as much as you could.

"You know, Liam… I respect you though if you want to ask me or your father some questions about it… There's no problem. We will always be there for you. I just want to let you know that we totally agree with you… Hum… With you having sex with Rebecca. We know the two of you and we trust you."

In front of your disarming silence, I looked up at you.

"Okay, honey?"

You nodded silently and caught me up by surprise when you locked your eyes with mine.

"So can Rebecca spend the night here?"

"Well… Yes of course she can do that. I mean, if her parents are okay too. She's a very sweet girl and we all enjoy her presence."

"Cool… Yeah, that's cool. Thank you."

"You're welcome, honey." I stood up and headed out though I stopped halfway and turned around to face you. "Liam… If you want… Well… Will and I have some condoms in our bathroom so how about I put some in your own bathroom? And then… Just tell us if you… If you run out of them. We will… We will buy others."

"Yeah… Thank you. Yeah it'd be great."

"Fine!... Liam… I have a question..."

"Yes?"

"Was it… I mean, the first time… Was it… Was it okay?"

You smiled at me and then I knew how I could be proud to be your mom.

"It was perfect, mom. Thank you for asking and for all the rest. Thank you very much. You rock."

I couldn't help but laugh, shaking my head.

"Oh I don't think so, honey… Look at me! I can barely speak to you about your sexual life, it's a disaster."

"No, it's not, mom. I guess it's normal. Very soon it'll be alright and you'll be giving me a whole lecture about the different positions."

I rolled my eyes. "You know me too well, don't you? By the way if you want some advice about that, girl advice I mean… Don't hesitate. As a woman I can tell you that the position of…"

"Mom! Please… Not now..."

"Oh… Yes, I'm sorry honey."

You shook your head, laughing.

"Karen Truman, you're the best!"


	20. Of Past and Present

Thank you, miss H.

_**Year seventeen.**_

I.

I looked at Will's reflection in the mirror and sighed. How did he manage to be so perfect in any kind of occasion? The contrast with my own reflection was sharp; I was a complete mess. Growling in frustration I put on a black dress and tried to concentrate on what was about to happen here that evening but very soon the weight of time got a bitter taste to my heart. I rolled on the bed, grabbing a pillow. Of course this unexpected behaviour made your father turn around and look at me, astonished.

"Karen what are you doing?"

I opened an eye and made a face. "I already hate him."

"How is that possible? You haven't even met him yet."

"No need for that. He's seventeen so all he's thinking about is making out and a lot more with our daughter. I hate him."

"You must have a thing for his name though."

"His name sucks."

Will sighed. "Karen… His name is Lou."

"Yes and so what? It suits my daughter, not this hormone-machine guy."

As sweet and official as this dinner sounded, I couldn't help but dread it like this time when you left for college and abandoned me. Thank god I still had a year to get prepared for that. After getting under control a wave of nausea, that passed over me I finally made my way to the living room and waited for your boyfriend whose parents had had the brilliant idea to name him like you. The verdict came immediately: I fell for him, literally. Lou was the sweetest person I had ever met and in spite of my numerous attempts of diversion, I was already planning your wedding when he came back home a few hours later.

He was far from being your first boyfriend though I knew he meant a lot to you or you wouldn't have organized this evening. I also understood that the seriousness of this relationship, as new as it was, would lead you to this conversation we had a few months later. I had imagined it over and over in my head, trying to find the right words, the sincerity and trust you needed. I had spoken about it with Liam though things were different when it happened between a mother and her daughter; between two women.

You took advantage of a weekend in Vermont to come up with it; a couple of days we had decided to spend together, without any other person. I was looking blankly at the fireplace, holding a mug of tea, when you sat down next to me. And even before you began to speak, I knew what was coming.

"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"

I settled further into the sofa and sighed. There we were, at last. I looked down and smiled shyly.

"I was fifteen."

"Had you been dating for a long time?"

"He wasn't my boyfriend."

Obviously this last comment troubled you a little. "What do you mean, mom?"

I shrugged. "Well… We weren't dating. It just happened…"

"You had casual sex? Your first time was pure casual sex?"

I nodded.

"And you don't regret it, mom?"

I turned and looked at you, surprised and pleased by this smart remark of yours. At least you knew the importance of feelings; you wouldn't do the same as me.

"Yes I do. I regret it… But nobody loved me before Stanley, honey. And I didn't really fall in love until your father. I would have adored having a boyfriend by then though it never really happened and the boys were only interested in one-night stands when it came to me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know it…"

"It's okay, little angel. I'm extremely happy now; and in love."

I smiled at you and pressed your hand tightly.

"I think Lou and I are ready."

I nodded. "I guess too honey."

"I'm a bit scared though…"

"It's normal but Lou really loved you so I'm sure everything will be perfect. Just take your time."

"Does it hurt?"

"Well… I guess it depends. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. That's why it's really important you both go slowly and learn about it together. Has Lou already slept with a girl?"

"No."

We came back to New York and a week later you spent the night at Lou's. Nobody knew about it but me and you can't even imagine the kind of sleepless night I happened to have, feeling guilty for your father who had absolutely no idea about it, feeling anxious for you; hoping it would go smoothly. You finally came back the next morning. I was stepping out of the shower when I heard the door slamming. I rushed in the living, wrapped in a towel, and looked at you in silence, waiting for a word, a sign; anything. You just smiled at me and I was hugging you tight, I felt relieved.

II.

"What do you think about yourself?"

Your question got me off of guard and I restrained a gasp. My eyes began to scan the room aimlessly, forgetting about the camera filming and your persistent gaze over me. I had agreed with taking part in your video project though I had never thought it would be that intimate, brushing the limits of my weaknesses.

"I am… I am a proud mother."

I couldn't help but smile in front of such an answer. Who would have imagined that one day Karen Walker would define herself with those words?

"Why are you surprised about it?"

Obviously you hadn't missed my reaction.

"I happened to be someone else in the past; someone extremely different."

"What kind of person?"

I raised my eyebrows. "I was selfish, loaded, boozed, drugged, insensitive, awful…"

"Hurt?"

I bit my lower lip as my voice got lost in the bitterness of my whisper. "Maybe… Yes, maybe."

"Why did you use this behaviour as a shield?"

I shrugged. "Why not?" I closed my eyes. "I was afraid of facing my weaknesses. People could have seen them and used it against me."

"Has it already happened? Who did that?"

"You want the whole list? I hope you have plenty of time… Let's see… My sister, my mother, my boyfriends-supposed-to-be, my hypocritical friends, my previous husbands, some teachers…"

"And what happened the day that it ceased?"

"I guess I grew up and dared to face my feelings."

"When did that happen?"

"When Will kissed me on The Brooklyn Bridge."

"Can love solve our problems?"

"No but it helps to go through them. It helps a lot."

"What's your favourite word?"

"Is that The Actors Studios?" I laughed. "I don't know… Perhaps… Close."

"In which meaning?"

"… Both."

"And now?"

"I'm fine. I feel like I'm at the right place."

"Who are you, Karen?"

"A little soul that tries to shine as brightly as it can."

"Why did you mention motherhood?"

"I did because I found out who I was the day I gave birth for the first time. My children gave sense to my life."


	21. A '78 Touring

Thank you, Miss H.

_**Year eighteen.**_

Berkeley, Brown, Yale, UCLA, Williams… And none based in New York. From all the universities the country could propose, the two of you chose the furthest ones. I did my best not to take it bad, though it seemed clear you just wanted to go away from Will and I; for some obscure reasons I couldn't understand. What was the problem with Columbia? It's an Ivy League one; and so close to me… It's not that I refused to see you grow up and get your own life but I knew that we were about to turn a page over something that had determined the person I was. What if I got lost, then? What if I was unable to breathe without you being there next to me? You had brought so many things to my existence that I wasn't sure I could survive your leaving. So Lord knows how far I was from imagining the twist that would come out a few months after you both applied for colleges.

The whole family lived in an indescribable trance until the mail period finally showed up. The anxiety substituted the sleepless nights and every single day we rushed to the mailbox, waiting for the first answers. You were both excellent students so as a matter of fact, we weren't really worried about your graduate studies but I think we got caught up by the effervescence of the moment and all its meanings. Lou received the first response and as a heavy silence was reigning over the flat, the rustling of the envelop making my blood turn icy, I subconsciously took your father's hand and waited impatiently. She began to read the letter but her iron face suddenly made me believe the worst. Taking a deep breath, I finally managed to speak.

"So, honey?"

She nodded and looked at us. "I got Berkeley, I got it."

"Oh my god."

I put my hands over my mouth to restrain a moan and rushed to hug her tightly, Will joining me in the act. Berkeley was her first choice with a major in journalism so I couldn't help but let my joy literally explode, repeating over and over how I was proud of her. I guess I just got blind and so I didn't even notice that everyone was happy but her as a matter of fact.

Your turn finally came and you got Yale. Trying not to think too much about the cost of those two universities, Will and I began to make plans about future trips to California and how Yale wasn't that far from us at the end. But it was within counting on your unexpected secret intentions that almost gave me a heart attack a month later. It was a smooth Sunday afternoon and your father and I were sat on the sofa reading our respective novels when you, Liam, rushed into the flat holding a sheet of paper. I looked up and stared at you in disbelief; I had never seen such a huge smile on your face since the day you had got the Lego pirate island for Christmas when you were eight.

"What's happening, honey?"

You seemed to be breathless, as if you had just run up the whole Manhattan within ten minutes.

"I go to London!"

I smiled, confused. "What?"

"I go to London! I've been accepted to The Royal Academy of Music."

My smile froze all of a sudden. "What?!"

At this exact moment Lou rushed in, screaming hysterically.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I've been cast for the national tour of A Chorus Line!"

"What?!" This time Will joined me in the double-surprise what.

After a couple of minutes I finally regained the sense of reality and as calmly as we could, we let you both explain to us what the hell was happening behind our backs while your studies were settled down after your admissions to Yale and Berkeley. An artistic career is a dilemma for a parent. We're divided between the happiness and talent of our children and the insecure future of such a sector. I hope we never sounded pessimistic or you never felt like we weren't supporting you. That would be the biggest mistake for me and the most painful realization through my life as a mother. As a matter of fact the decision resulted easier to take for you than for Lou. After all, you were planning to major in music once at Yale and The Royal Academy of Music was definitely a very interesting opportunity for you. That's why we agreed and my heart got broken into pieces when I realized you would leave the country.

I was extremely reluctant to Lou's national tour. She was a very good student and the simple fact that she wouldn't graduate appeared like a waste of life to me. I could recognize that she was talented at dancing, acting and singing. All her teachers at the Fiorello H. LaGuardia high school were proud of her and it was obvious she had some chance to succeed onstage. But still…

Will and I were still unsure when I came across an old cardboard box one day. I frowned and kneeled down quietly in front of it. Very carefully I opened it and couldn't help but gasp when I saw them among the rest. The colour had vaguely faded but they were still intact. I bit my lower lip and, with a shaking hand, I took one of them and caressed the satin slowly.

"What's that, Karen?"

I didn't turn to look at Will, just kept on contemplating my old ballet shoe. I smiled bitterly and murmured.

"My biggest dream."

"You used to dance? You never told me about it."

"I was at The School of American Ballet until I turned seventeen. I wanted to dance…"

"Then why did you go to college? Why did you stop dancing?"

I sighed and turned around. Will had sat down behind me; his eyes locked on mine as the tears began to run on my cheeks.

"Because of the scar I have on my left knee."

"Ligaments?"

I closed my eyes, trying to prevent from crying and simply nodded before rushing into Will's arms and the comforting heat of his heart. This is when I knew that Lou had to go on this tour; she didn't have to regret anything; as I did.

I looked at you and smiled.

"Take your…"

"Time when I apply lipstick. Yes, I know, mom. You told me that at your wedding."

I gasped, surprised. "You remember that? You were only four years old…"

You shuddered. "I remember all the important things you tell me."

My eyes got lost in the contemplation of your dark red dress and the curls of your hair. You looked so much like me all of a sudden that it was almost spooky. I raised my eyebrows in a bitter motion as the evidence hit me: we were alike though I had never had the chance to go to the prom because of my knee operation. I had spent the whole evening in the hospital; alone in my room; crying quietly. I stood up and kissed your cheek, smiling at your reflection in the mirror of your bedroom.

"Well I guess I'm ready…"

"Yeah… Take my diamond earrings, honey. They will match perfectly with your dress."

You nodded as Will pocked his head inside.

"Lou's here…"

I know Liam and you hate being on pictures though this time you couldn't really escape from it and as I was literally getting you blind with the flash, Will pushed you towards the door and was about to shut it down when you turned around and looked at me.

"Oh mom, there's a parcel for you on your bed… Enjoy your evening!"

I frowned, confused. "Why, thank you…?"

A last wave and the elevators went down. I had no time to think about it twice and Will took my hand, leading me to our bedroom.

"See you later, miss."

He kissed my cheek and closed the door behind him, my confusion growing little by little. As you had told me, a parcel was waiting for me on the bed. I sat down and grabbed an envelop resting on the top. _"Mr William Truman and Ms Karen Delaney '78."_

"What?!" I frowned in disbelief and opened the parcel. A satin black dress had been folded meticulously. I grabbed another missive and read it. _"1/Take off your wedding ring 2/Put on the dress 3/Choose a diamond necklace 4/Do your hair 5/How about your Manolo Blahnicks? 6/Wait for a knock at the door, your boyfriend will be there at 9pm 7/Don't go into crazy things tonight, we love Jude though we don't want another sibling 8/This is your evening, enjoy it 9/We love you, mom. Liam and Lou"_

I did as I was told and at 9pm a soft knock on the door made me jump. Very slowly I opened it and faced Will; he was wearing a tuxedo. I smiled and laughed but suddenly froze when he took my hand and slid a flower at my wrist. It's when I realized the music in the background and as we made our way in the livingroom I couldn't help but gasp in front of the scene. The room had been rearranged to look like a ball room, soft lights and numerous tinsels giving a magical shade to the place. On the table was resting a punch and home-made cakes; some records put next to them.

"What…?"

"Shh…"

Will took my hand and made me turn around. The tears began to well up in my eyes as I saw the purple banner. _"Prom '78, Upper West Side High School"_. Then all of a sudden the door opened and you appeared on the frame with your brother, a camera in your hands.

"What are you doing here? You should be at your prom! And… What… What is all that?"

"This is the prom you never had, mom. Don't be worried, we're on our way to ours. We just wanted to take some pictures of you before leaving…"

I shook my head, frowning under my tears. "Oh my god…"

I rushed in your arms and held you tight. "Thank you so much, sweeties…"

Thank you so much for everything


	22. Epilogue

Muchas gracias, Miss H.

_**Epilogue.**_

I woke up early this morning and went for a walk. The sun was shining brightly in a limpid blue sky, lightening up the buildings and the murmurs of New York in the first hours of the summer. A little life was already boiling in turmoil and the delivery men were taking possession of the streets as the first joggers stepped out of their flats, heading to Central Park. I've seen a lot of states, lived in a lot of different countries, though I never felt at home like in New York City. The darkness of my thoughts turned into a sweet and beloved shade as soon as everything started over The Brooklyn Bridge. I fell under the charms of my existence nineteen years ago and time simply flew over my head, my conscious, without me noticing it. You know how I hate thinking about the years that dare to pass by and steal our breaths quietly until one day we close our eyes and leave this world; vaguely relieved but so sad.

I would have never imagined that I would come to this point and be able to fill all those pages with childhood memories and motherhood feelings. You are undoubtedly the biggest surprise I ever got but also the only one I was really looking for. Sometimes I find myself backwards, lost into the nets of our past when there was still only the four of us: Grace, Will, Jack and I. And the melancholy of my heart is only the symbol of my fear of time. I miss our youth and those first years we shared together because it seemed that it would last eternally. Why did we change all of a sudden? Getting married, having children, facing other problems. Why did we grow up if it's only to finally disappear? You softened my insecurities and brightened my days, my smiles but now that you're about to go away and get your own life, the bitterness of my past decisions weighs a lot on me and it's going to be hard to handle it.

I didn't have a lot of principles about education except this one: the importance of trust. I missed so many things as a child that I did my best through the years not to make you experiment the decadence of my dreams and the crash of my family. This is what I really need: love, sharing, honest attentions. I lacked of tenderness and feel now the irrepressible urge to reach it thanks to you. I just tried to make you love every second of it because life is too short to have any regrets and spend a lot of time crying. I may not have done a perfect job, I'm not Mary Poppins; you may have been angry with me and wished you could escape from my whims though I know you love me, as much as I do love you. Don't forget your family and friends, don't forget all these years you spent here. I saw you grow up and build your own identity, day after day, and you have no idea how high my pride is. It's a real chance for me to be your mother; perhaps even the essence of all the rest, of my breath.

My steps lead me to the Lower Manhattan and very soon I cross The Brooklyn Bridge. The wind sweeps away my hair and takes with it our memories; the laugh of a child, an unexpected hug, the violence of grief and the simplicity of life. The distance will never make it fade away because I will fight to keep it alive in my heart; my sweet mind. I have plenty of images speeding past in front of my eyes from the heartbeats of a foetus to the respectful silence previous to a graduation ceremony. I still have to add the hardest one though, when a plane takes off for England and another one for California. It doesn't have to be the end but the beginning of your life and don't be worried for me, mine is still on track. I stop while reaching the middle of the bridge and lean forward, looking quietly at the townhouses of Brooklyn. Nothing has changed. Then all of a sudden I feel how some fingers are sliding along my hand, caressing my palm softly. I smile as the heat of his skin embraces mine and I press his hand tightly; then turn around to face him. My heartbeats speed up their pace as soon as my eyes lock in his. Nothing has changed.

And as we both lean over to share a kiss, I know that I was born to fall in love with Will and give sense to my life thanks to the uniqueness of your souls.

I love you, Liam and Lou. I love you more than anything.

Karen, your mother who finally opened her heart and dared to smile.


End file.
